for nanny

it is never a good situation when watching a loved one have to endure pain or fight at the end of their life, but as a christian and a believer in jesus christ, joy and peace always remain thereafter.  though a grave sadness exists for the people left behind, the joy comes from knowing how great [our] nanny's heavenly home will be, and the remembrance of her life fully lived on her earthly home.  the disciple john writes in revelation 21 about this new home, and there's usually a good song to back up truth:

³ And I heard a loud voice from heaven saying, “Behold, the tabernacle of God is with men, and He will dwell with them, and they shall be His people. God Himself will be with them and be their God. ⁴ And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away.” 

and here is one of my favorite hillsong united songs ever, this particular video below also containing the magnificent power of god's word in scriptures concluding the video...

i wonder what nanny's reaction will be when she sees our lord for the very first time, knowing that she gets to be with him in heaven forever!  these words breathed by god, "there shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away" gives me an overwhelming sense of comfort as she no longer has to suffer from all that has caused her pain.  she will be greatly missed by all of her family and friends, but we know we will see her again, for an infinity of non-stop rejoicing. 

for papa, the family, and friends of rosemary bartholemew, there is no better comfort in losing her, but to look at the beautiful soul she left with us in memory. with creative wit and the perfect little hands with which to make the most amazing cinamon rolls, nanny was truly a treasure.  i loved every visit we had with her, as her subtle humor could have us laughing for days, for most of the time we were laughing anyways.  i remember her most in the kitchen, for she had an act for making everything she touched absolutely delicious, and i loved learning from her and taking recipes home with me.  her pizza and pasta is untouchable, and everything came from her head.  a natural.  her voice was so sweet and her petite stature just made you want to put her in your pocket and take her with you everywhere.  every visit with papa and nanny was an adventure and we've seen so much, including mt. rushmore and the rodeo, my favorite.  she handled everything with so much care and tenderness, and her spirit was always so lovely, joyful, and patient.  i loved seeing her sitting in her favorite chair watching and taking in everything going on in a room, and wondering what she was thinking.  sometimes you could sit in a room with her, and love would just be radiating from her with just a smile, she never really had to say much.  we didn't get to see them as much, for they live in nebraska and we are in south carolina, but we've had so many moments to cherish with them.

i'm deeply saddened that i can't be there with papa and my family as they are grieving right now, but all my love is with them in spirit.  because i have always been emotionally and spiritually attached to music, i can't think of a better way to help with the comfort, than with a song, an old hymn

his eye is on the sparrow

love you papa and nanny! you will be missed, nan, until we see you again

Why should I feel discouraged,
Why should the shadows come,           
Why should my heart feel lonely
And long for Heav'n and home,
When Jesus is my portion?
A constant Friend is He:
His eye is on the sparrow,
And I know He watches over me;
His eye is on the sparrow,
And I know He watches me.

I sing because I'm happy,
I sing because I'm free,
His eye is on the sparrow,
And I know He watches me

"Let not your heart be troubled,"
His tender word I hear,
And resting on His goodness,
I lose my doubts and fears;
Though by the path He leadeth
But one step I may see:
His eye is on the sparrow,
And I know He watches me;

Whenever I am tempted,
Whenever clouds arise,
When songs give place to sighing,
When hope within me dies,
I draw the closer to Him,
From care He sets me free:
His eye is on the sparrow,
And I know He cares for me;
His eye is on the sparrow,
And I know He cares for me.

I sing because I'm happy,
I sing because I'm free,
His eye is on the sparrow,
And I know He watches me

thanksgiving without the turkey

this past thursday there was no celebration of thanksgiving whatsoever, no turkey, no sweet potato casserole, no classrooms dressing up like pilgrims and indians, no long weekend, no black friday shopping lunatics, for this is strictly an american holiday.  i'm not even sure you can buy a whole turkey in sweden.  it's just not as common as buying riendeer and moose, ya know? however, that does not mean i didn't live vicariously through my friend's facebook status' about going home for the break and decorating for christmas.  i have to be honest i was little sad about missing it and that special time with my family, because i look forward to this part of our holiday season every year.  november might possibly be my favorite month of the year, besisdes july and august.  i did, however, have a splendid skype date with my entire family (all 5 of us, lol) who are currently living in 3 different countries.  like always, we spent most of the time laughing and sharing stories.  praise jesus for technology!  although i was caught up in the busy-ness of my life as an au pair while all of my fellow americans were stuffing the faces with leftovers, i couldn't help but be reminded of all that i am thankful for here and there. so i've made a list, just i've done since  the first grade:


what i am thankful for:

 my personal relationship with jesus christ:  amen and glory to him forever and ever because i would be nowhere without his love, his word, and grace.  i have learned so much about our relationship and he has been my strength when i could not stand.  he has also blessed me immensely with the following people in my life and i owe him all the thanksgiving in my heart.  i could go on and on and on about how thankful i am, but what better way that to quote his word:


psalm 100
Make a joyful shout to the LORD, all you lands!
Serve the LORD with gladness;
Come before His presence with singing.
Know that the LORD, He is God;It is He who has made us, and not we ourselves;We are His people and the sheep of His pasture.    
Enter into His gates with thanksgiving,And into His courts with praise.
Be thankful to Him, and bless His name.
For the LORD is good;
His mercy is everlasting,
And His truth endures to all generations.


amen.


my amazing family: there are five of us and i am stuck in the middle of two of the best brothers a girl could ask for. my dad is one of the most honorable and admirable men i know, and i have loved every single second of being the "daddy's girl" and seeing the way he loves me like jesus loves his children. he is a great example of leader in our family and has always pointed us to truth when he didn't know the answers himself.  also, he's a beast runner and athlete and taught me how to play volleyball and love baseball. thanks daddy!  my mom is the most free spirited and adventurous person i know.  she can do pretty much everything and is never afraid to try anything new.  she's taught me so many little life lessons along the way, and i am so thankful that she is always available to listen, even when i'm not interested in saying anything at all.  she has been a great encouragement to me pursuing my dreams and i know she will always support the tough decisions.  she's also an amazing cook and i can't wait to make christmas dinner with her! samuel/sammy is my older brother who i look up to more than he will ever know.  he is a genius and wise beyond his 24 years.  his patience with me as a younger sister is admiring, because i know how annoying and naive i can be, yet he would totally be there for me if i was ever in trouble.  he's always looked out for me, even when he's been in other countries traveleing the whole world.  he's inspired me to do things without thinking too much about it, especially when it comes to exploring what else the world has to offer.  he's also full of great advice when i need it, just like a big brother should be like.  luke/lukas-quite the goober, but my life would not be complete without him.  he's just so cool, and i'm so thankful i have the role as his big sister, even though he's a lot bigger than me in hieght.  we used to fight all the time when we were younger, but i thank him especially, because i'm pretty tough having grown up with those two boys.  he is the best at making anyone laugh and has a personality that makes all the ladies fall in love.  i adore him for his talent in art and in making drinks.  i always know who to call for a laugh or a good story.  precious.


friendships: there are almost way too many close friendships to even begin how grateful and blessed i am.  honestly, my heart is so full by just knowing these amazing men and women (there are too many to be named and i don't want to leave anyone out).  i don't know if i'll ever meet anyone greater and love anyone more than i love the people in my life right now, including my sweet friends in sweden.  every single one of these treasures mean the world to me and i can't thank god enough for how they've ended up in my life.  i have been away from my friends in the states for about 10 months, but i still have the encouragement and love from them when i see them on skype or when just recieving an "i miss you."  knowing that i have these strong frienships to return to keeps me going.  whether they have helped me or i them, whether it's been 10 months or years without having seen them, or whether i see them everyday and need a break from them, i can not be more filled with joy with the friendhsips i know and hope i will have for life.  ecclesiastes says "Two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their labour. For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow: but woe to him that is alone when he falleth; for he hath not another to help him up." i can't count how many times i have experienced this verse in so many different ways, for every single one of my close friendships are so unique but lovely all the same.  it is amazing the community we were created for as believers, and the ability to form different kinds of friendships, even with those who do not choose to believe in christ.  for me personally, i have a lot of love to give, and will give it all away to let my sweet friends know how much they mean to me and how grateful i am for them! 


my kids: i can't actually call myself a mom yet, but i sure do have a lot of kids that i consider my own.  from camden: will & matthew, and mary-caston, from greenville: caleb, phoebe, & webb, and sarah & amelia, and now in sweden: erik, emma, & elias.  i have spent so much time with each and every one of these little joys, and it is never enough.  i have always loved kids, but these ones are going to have a special role in my life forever. they are so close to my heart and i miss them so much when i am away and can't go to guitar recitals, baseball and soccer games, and dance recitals...oh and don't forget the CHRISTMAS plays!! it's so exciting to be a role model to these youngin's no matter how far away i am from them.  if you just spend one day with a kid in general, you find you can enjoy the smallest things in life and become a kid again yourself.  talking to them just to see what they will say can also have you laughing until you cry.  my best dates have been with my kids (including holding hands and skipping stones...dead serious) and i have so many great stories.  it seems my life is constantly surrounded by these little ones i love so much, and you wonder why i want to be a teacher.  they are honestly the greatest gifts in the world, and i mean that.  i am thankful for them always.


opportunities: i can not be more grateful for the opportunities that have been placed in my life thus far.  i have had the greatest encouragers and supporters to push me to do all that i love and take on life at warp speed. there are many things i have accomplished that i would not be able to do without the right timing and opportunities.  one for sure is being able to come to sweden as an au pair, something i never thought would happen to me.  but it did, with a couple of contacts i made at the cliffs communities... ba-da-bing ba-da-boom and here i am. there has not been a time in my life where i have been stopped from doing something that gives me joy or has stretched and challenged me to make me a stronger person than i thought i'd be.  some of the opportunities are just for fun, like being able to road trip through europe, meeting someone with connections to a great job, or a chance to babysit in panama city beach and meet new lifetime friends.  other opportunities, i may not be as grateful for them until i realize that jesus was trying to teach me something, or use me to reach someone else.  whatever the case, i am eternally grateful and blessed.


i am finding it hard to conclude this post on a solid note, for it to have been so sweet and sappy above.  so i suppose i'll end it with what i started with: "ain't even need a turkey for it to be thanksgiving..."and i surely didn't even think about the fact that we came over on the mayflower. woops. maybe next year i'll include the history part. 


Happy Holiday Season!!

"people say i'm a dreamer, but i'm not the only one"

this is me. i am a dreamer. and i will forever love coldplay. the end.

paradise-coldplay

When she was just a girl
She expected the world
But it flew away from her reach so
She ran away in her sleep
and dreamed of
Para-para-paradise, Para-para-paradise, Para-para-paradise
Every time she closed her eyes

When she was just a girl
She expected the world
But it flew away from her reach
and the bullets catch in her teeth
Life goes on, it gets so heavy
The wheel breaks the butterfly
Every tear a waterfall
In the night the stormy night she'll close her eyes
In the night the stormy night away she'd fly

and dreams of
Para-para-paradise
Para-para-paradise
Para-para-paradise

And so lying underneath those stormy skies
She'd say, "oh, ohohohoh I know the sun must set to rise"

This could be
Para-para-paradise
Para-para-paradise
Para-para-paradise

if i only had a brain

being an au pair is not in any way glamourous. for example, sometimes you don't think the disappointment of the 7 year old (not making it to karate practice on time because the au pair got a little misguided) will ever go away.  or that is what i felt like last night.  i was given the responsibility to get erik (7 year old) to karate last night because grandpa, who usually takes him, had plans and the mom had to work late.  i was the last resort, and that also meant that the little ones would be coming with us.  no big deal, right? EXCEPT, i really didn't have a clue where i was taking him, for i had actually only been there twice, but had never driven there myself.  i mean, i had a general idea of where the place was located (in fact it's an old regiment that looks like a castle...how do you miss a castle?!).  however, the GPS sucks, we got stuck in rush hour traffic (why we had to leave an hour early to drive 6 miles), it was dark so i didn't recognize the buildings that well, i hate swedish highway signs, and i had two kids in the back who were thirsty and i couldn't reach their juice boxes (yes, i thought i was ahead of the game by bringing them snacks and drinks so they could have them while we were waiting for erik to finish practice). well, we ended up at liseberg (only about 3 miles away at this point) while waiting in traffic and got to see a TON of christmas lights, which was definitely the only highlight of the misguided adventure, however, we only had to 4 minutes left to make it on time.  i'm stressing the whole time.  erik was so angry at me and we got there 15 minutes late.  i told him to rush in and we would be waiting for him after practice (practice is an hour long), but when i got the little ones shoes off and settled, i found him in the administrators office sobbing.  we forgot his karate card...heavy sigh...dangit.  i am the worst au pair ever! i tried to explain to the administrator that i got turned around and there was traffic and the gps is not updateed...she didn't really understand me, what's new?  he was so embarrassed he just wanted to go home, of which i can understand.

i have to say i was really nervous about the ride home and getting a lecture from a 7 year old about how he never wants me to take him to karate again and how i should know where i was going.  i was right, i got an earful of a tearful swedish lecture. i started apologizing in my best swedish, which consisted of, "i'm so sorry your american au pair is an idiot."  he seemed to like that and concluded that i didn't have a brain.  i tried to make a funny and said, "you know what, the scarecrow in the wizard of oz sings a song called "if i only had a brain..." dangit, he didn't laugh. oops, bad timing, again.  i tried to explain that i really did try my best but erik was right, my brain just ceased to exist for an hour.  hey, it happens, maybe more frequently than i'd like, but eventually the kids had a little more understanding.  eventually i had them laughing at their crazy american nanny again.  emma, my little angel in the backseat, concluded with "it's okay to be dumb sometimes" with elias backing her up,"yeah, ok be dumb sometimes." (i promise this is so much funnier in swedish)  gee, thanks guys hahaha even though i was more upset at myself for my misguidedness, i had to laugh.  i just love kids.  they are so quick to forgive and forget.  even a scarecrow like me. 

whew, anybody want to be an au pair? contact me before you do. 

"Keep Your Eyes Open" needtobreathe

If you could soldier on, headstrong into the storm
I'll be here waiting on the other side don't
Look back the road is long, the first days of the war are gone
Take back your former throne and turn the tide

'Cus if you never leave home, never let go
You'll never make it to the great unknown
Till you keep your eyes... open my love

So tell me you're strong, tell me you see
I need to hear it, can you promise me
To keep your eyes... open my love

Just past the circumstance, the first light a second chance
No child could ever dance the way you do oh
Tear down the prison walls, don't stop the curtain calls
Your chains will never fall until you do

'Cus if you never leave home, never let go
You'll never make it to the great unknown
Till you keep your eyes... open my love

So show me your fire, show me your heart
You know I'll never let you fall apart
If you keep your eyes... open my love

Ohhh open up
Ohhh open up
Ohhh open up your eyes, the weight is unbroken

Ohhh open up
Ohhh open up
Ohhh open up your eyes (keep your eyes open)

Don't let the night become the day
Don't take the darkness to the grave
I know pain is just a place
The will has been broken

Don't let the fear become the hate
Don't take the sadness to the grave
I know the fight is on the way
When the sides have been choosen

Cus' if you never leave home, never let go
You'll never make it to the great unkown
Open up your eyes, keep your eyes open

Tell me you're strong, tell me you see
I need to hear it, can you promise me
To keep your eyes... open my love

So show me your fire, show me your heart
You know I'll never let you fall apart
If you keep your eyes... open love my love
Keep your eyes... (keep your eyes open)

when mr. clapton says it best

okay, so there's this guy...that i seriously can't forget about! he is a guy that broke my heart (a year and some ago now) and never said he was sorry. i should despise him, but i can't because he's actually turned out to be an awesome guy, not that he wasn't before (clearly, because that's why i fell for him the first place). there have been many times while here in sweden where i had to dig really deep and be okay with the fact that it was a bad time for both of us, and that we aren't going to be together.  after a little time of not thinking about him, he flippin shows in my dreams!! (p.s. i'm a huge believer in fairy tales, but i'm not a fan of the phrase, "a dream is a wish your heart makes"...not this time anyways) it's so stupid and i'm so tired of this.  i have to repeat over and over again in my head that i am over it, but a month later, my current love interest, sends me an article about him!! REALLY?!!  why? i just don't understand.  p.s. this "old love" is probably going to be famous (hence, the article) within the next year or two, ugh.  my sweet lord knows i need to get him out of my heart completely before he starts blowing up sportscenter.  maybe i'm never going to be able to forget him as someone i loved, but i pray that he is only recognized as "old love" so i can move on. this song came on my blues playlist, and it is nothing more that what i want to say.  so thank you eric clapton for understanding.  play, baby, play. 

Old Love

Eric Clapton

also, john mayer does a cover...ya killin' me john. ya really killin' me. 

never too late

first of all i just have to say praise and bless the lord, for he is the greatest father and teacher i will ever know in my life.  just today, he has proved once again that he is in control (psalm 54:4), and when i am weak, he gives me strength, which is what i specifically asked him to give me today.

background story: i hate confrontation. i hate sharing emotions that are anything other than happy or lovely. i hate complaining.  i especially HATE that if i am ever frustrated or angry about something, i do not let it be known and typically just shrug it off and let it go. i hate that about myself because it becomes a problem when i allow the little things to build up into a huge thing, suffocating my own heart.  eventually, it comes out, though always a little too late, to where i explode, whether through tears, or surprise attack.   i am the queen of bad timing, and everytime i put off some kind of confrontation about something i'm angry, stressed, or struggling with (which is pretty rare for me), the timing is always wrong, because i should have said something or reached out for help a lot sooner.  most of this stems from being a people pleaser and not knowing where to draw the line.  i think today, though, i have finally realized that it's better late than never.

just like in past experiences where i have found myself at breaking point over something i, myself, sara giffin, have let build up, i finally realized that i just can't do it anymore.  i need to just let this thing go. so i am up in my little hideaway in my room, and i had to ask god for strength and courage to make it through the day and an opportunity for this weight to be lifted off my shoulders.  this "thing" to which i am referring to is the challenge i face everyday as an au pair living with a swedish family of a soldier in afghanistan.  i will not go into to detail on what specifically caused anxiety to take over in my heart, and i'm not even sure how long it's been creeping up on me.  any time i wanted to say something about this issue, i thought it was just too late, and i would jut have to deal with it for my last 30 days here.  BUT then (gasp! a moment where you hear a heavenly choir), then an opportunity for confrontation stood right in front of me, and the lord guided me through it with grace and ease.  turns out, both parties have a hard time with confrontational communication skills, and we both had to set pride aside, and let it go.  that feels so good.  a fresh start and strong finish for the last 30 days of one of the most challenging 10 months of my life.  finally, i feel like i can breathe again!  now, if i can just keep myself from running into this wall again, that would be great.  i've already added it to my 2012 new years resolutions-let my heart show fully, even when it's frustrated and anxious...face the fear of confrontation.   

i have to thank my godly parents and older brother for their prayers and encouragement, but more important, i am overjoyed with thanksgiving to the lord for this little victory.  i asked him for strength, and he gave it to me, literally, no more than 2 hours after being on my face in tears.  he does say in his word, "Until now you have asked nothing in my name. ask, and you will receive, that your joy may be full." John 16:24.  oh, is my joy full right now, knowing that god intricately cares for my heart, and lifts me up when i've fallen to my knees.  glory, glory, hallelujah!
                                  Psalm 30

 ¹ I will extol You, O LORD, for You have lifted me up,
   And have not let my foes rejoice over me.
 ² O LORD my God, I cried out to You,
   And You healed me.
 ³ O LORD, You brought my soul up from the grave;
   You have kept me alive, that I should not go down to the pit.
   
 ⁴ Sing praise to the LORD, you saints of His,
   And give thanks at the remembrance of His holy name.
 ⁵ For His anger is but for a moment,
   His favor is for life;
   Weeping may endure for a night,
   But joy comes in the morning.
       
 ⁶ Now in my prosperity I said,
   “I shall never be moved.”
 ⁷ LORD, by Your favor You have made my mountain stand strong;
   You hid Your face, and I was troubled.
       
 ⁸ I cried out to You, O LORD;
   And to the LORD I made supplication:
 ⁹ “What profit is there in my blood,
   When I go down to the pit?
   Will the dust praise You?
   Will it declare Your truth?
 ¹⁰ Hear, O LORD, and have mercy on me;
   LORD, be my helper!”
       
 ¹¹ You have turned for me my mourning into dancing;
   You have put off my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness,
 ¹² To the end that my glory may sing praise to You and not be silent.
   O LORD my God, I will give thanks to You forever.

amen.