first of all i just have to say praise and bless the lord, for he is the greatest father and teacher i will ever know in my life. just today, he has proved once again that he is in control (psalm 54:4), and when i am weak, he gives me strength, which is what i specifically asked him to give me today.
background story: i hate confrontation. i hate sharing emotions that are anything other than happy or lovely. i hate complaining. i especially HATE that if i am ever frustrated or angry about something, i do not let it be known and typically just shrug it off and let it go. i hate that about myself because it becomes a problem when i allow the little things to build up into a huge thing, suffocating my own heart. eventually, it comes out, though always a little too late, to where i explode, whether through tears, or surprise attack. i am the queen of bad timing, and everytime i put off some kind of confrontation about something i'm angry, stressed, or struggling with (which is pretty rare for me), the timing is always wrong, because i should have said something or reached out for help a lot sooner. most of this stems from being a people pleaser and not knowing where to draw the line. i think today, though, i have finally realized that it's better late than never.
just like in past experiences where i have found myself at breaking point over something i, myself, sara giffin, have let build up, i finally realized that i just can't do it anymore. i need to just let this thing go. so i am up in my little hideaway in my room, and i had to ask god for strength and courage to make it through the day and an opportunity for this weight to be lifted off my shoulders. this "thing" to which i am referring to is the challenge i face everyday as an au pair living with a swedish family of a soldier in afghanistan. i will not go into to detail on what specifically caused anxiety to take over in my heart, and i'm not even sure how long it's been creeping up on me. any time i wanted to say something about this issue, i thought it was just too late, and i would jut have to deal with it for my last 30 days here. BUT then (gasp! a moment where you hear a heavenly choir), then an opportunity for confrontation stood right in front of me, and the lord guided me through it with grace and ease. turns out, both parties have a hard time with confrontational communication skills, and we both had to set pride aside, and let it go. that feels so good. a fresh start and strong finish for the last 30 days of one of the most challenging 10 months of my life. finally, i feel like i can breathe again! now, if i can just keep myself from running into this wall again, that would be great. i've already added it to my 2012 new years resolutions-let my heart show fully, even when it's frustrated and anxious...face the fear of confrontation.
i have to thank my godly parents and older brother for their prayers and encouragement, but more important, i am overjoyed with thanksgiving to the lord for this little victory. i asked him for strength, and he gave it to me, literally, no more than 2 hours after being on my face in tears. he does say in his word, "Until now you have asked nothing in my name. ask, and you will receive, that your joy may be full." John 16:24. oh, is my joy full right now, knowing that god intricately cares for my heart, and lifts me up when i've fallen to my knees. glory, glory, hallelujah!
Psalm 30
1 I will extol You, O LORD, for You have lifted me up,
And have not let my foes rejoice over me.
2 O LORD my God, I cried out to You,
And You healed me.
3 O LORD, You brought my soul up from the grave;
You have kept me alive, that I should not go down to the pit.
4 Sing praise to the LORD, you saints of His,
And give thanks at the remembrance of His holy name.
5 For His anger is but for a moment,
His favor is for life;
Weeping may endure for a night,
But joy comes in the morning.
6 Now in my prosperity I said,
“I shall never be moved.”
7 LORD, by Your favor You have made my mountain stand strong;
You hid Your face, and I was troubled.
8 I cried out to You, O LORD;
And to the LORD I made supplication:
9 “What profit is there in my blood,
When I go down to the pit?
Will the dust praise You?
Will it declare Your truth?
10 Hear, O LORD, and have mercy on me;
LORD, be my helper!”
11 You have turned for me my mourning into dancing;
You have put off my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness,
12 To the end that my glory may sing praise to You and not be silent.
O LORD my God, I will give thanks to You forever.
amen.
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