for nanny

it is never a good situation when watching a loved one have to endure pain or fight at the end of their life, but as a christian and a believer in jesus christ, joy and peace always remain thereafter.  though a grave sadness exists for the people left behind, the joy comes from knowing how great [our] nanny's heavenly home will be, and the remembrance of her life fully lived on her earthly home.  the disciple john writes in revelation 21 about this new home, and there's usually a good song to back up truth:

³ And I heard a loud voice from heaven saying, “Behold, the tabernacle of God is with men, and He will dwell with them, and they shall be His people. God Himself will be with them and be their God. ⁴ And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away.” 

and here is one of my favorite hillsong united songs ever, this particular video below also containing the magnificent power of god's word in scriptures concluding the video...

i wonder what nanny's reaction will be when she sees our lord for the very first time, knowing that she gets to be with him in heaven forever!  these words breathed by god, "there shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away" gives me an overwhelming sense of comfort as she no longer has to suffer from all that has caused her pain.  she will be greatly missed by all of her family and friends, but we know we will see her again, for an infinity of non-stop rejoicing. 

for papa, the family, and friends of rosemary bartholemew, there is no better comfort in losing her, but to look at the beautiful soul she left with us in memory. with creative wit and the perfect little hands with which to make the most amazing cinamon rolls, nanny was truly a treasure.  i loved every visit we had with her, as her subtle humor could have us laughing for days, for most of the time we were laughing anyways.  i remember her most in the kitchen, for she had an act for making everything she touched absolutely delicious, and i loved learning from her and taking recipes home with me.  her pizza and pasta is untouchable, and everything came from her head.  a natural.  her voice was so sweet and her petite stature just made you want to put her in your pocket and take her with you everywhere.  every visit with papa and nanny was an adventure and we've seen so much, including mt. rushmore and the rodeo, my favorite.  she handled everything with so much care and tenderness, and her spirit was always so lovely, joyful, and patient.  i loved seeing her sitting in her favorite chair watching and taking in everything going on in a room, and wondering what she was thinking.  sometimes you could sit in a room with her, and love would just be radiating from her with just a smile, she never really had to say much.  we didn't get to see them as much, for they live in nebraska and we are in south carolina, but we've had so many moments to cherish with them.

i'm deeply saddened that i can't be there with papa and my family as they are grieving right now, but all my love is with them in spirit.  because i have always been emotionally and spiritually attached to music, i can't think of a better way to help with the comfort, than with a song, an old hymn

his eye is on the sparrow

love you papa and nanny! you will be missed, nan, until we see you again

Why should I feel discouraged,
Why should the shadows come,           
Why should my heart feel lonely
And long for Heav'n and home,
When Jesus is my portion?
A constant Friend is He:
His eye is on the sparrow,
And I know He watches over me;
His eye is on the sparrow,
And I know He watches me.

I sing because I'm happy,
I sing because I'm free,
His eye is on the sparrow,
And I know He watches me

"Let not your heart be troubled,"
His tender word I hear,
And resting on His goodness,
I lose my doubts and fears;
Though by the path He leadeth
But one step I may see:
His eye is on the sparrow,
And I know He watches me;

Whenever I am tempted,
Whenever clouds arise,
When songs give place to sighing,
When hope within me dies,
I draw the closer to Him,
From care He sets me free:
His eye is on the sparrow,
And I know He cares for me;
His eye is on the sparrow,
And I know He cares for me.

I sing because I'm happy,
I sing because I'm free,
His eye is on the sparrow,
And I know He watches me

thanksgiving without the turkey

this past thursday there was no celebration of thanksgiving whatsoever, no turkey, no sweet potato casserole, no classrooms dressing up like pilgrims and indians, no long weekend, no black friday shopping lunatics, for this is strictly an american holiday.  i'm not even sure you can buy a whole turkey in sweden.  it's just not as common as buying riendeer and moose, ya know? however, that does not mean i didn't live vicariously through my friend's facebook status' about going home for the break and decorating for christmas.  i have to be honest i was little sad about missing it and that special time with my family, because i look forward to this part of our holiday season every year.  november might possibly be my favorite month of the year, besisdes july and august.  i did, however, have a splendid skype date with my entire family (all 5 of us, lol) who are currently living in 3 different countries.  like always, we spent most of the time laughing and sharing stories.  praise jesus for technology!  although i was caught up in the busy-ness of my life as an au pair while all of my fellow americans were stuffing the faces with leftovers, i couldn't help but be reminded of all that i am thankful for here and there. so i've made a list, just i've done since  the first grade:


what i am thankful for:

 my personal relationship with jesus christ:  amen and glory to him forever and ever because i would be nowhere without his love, his word, and grace.  i have learned so much about our relationship and he has been my strength when i could not stand.  he has also blessed me immensely with the following people in my life and i owe him all the thanksgiving in my heart.  i could go on and on and on about how thankful i am, but what better way that to quote his word:


psalm 100
Make a joyful shout to the LORD, all you lands!
Serve the LORD with gladness;
Come before His presence with singing.
Know that the LORD, He is God;It is He who has made us, and not we ourselves;We are His people and the sheep of His pasture.    
Enter into His gates with thanksgiving,And into His courts with praise.
Be thankful to Him, and bless His name.
For the LORD is good;
His mercy is everlasting,
And His truth endures to all generations.


amen.


my amazing family: there are five of us and i am stuck in the middle of two of the best brothers a girl could ask for. my dad is one of the most honorable and admirable men i know, and i have loved every single second of being the "daddy's girl" and seeing the way he loves me like jesus loves his children. he is a great example of leader in our family and has always pointed us to truth when he didn't know the answers himself.  also, he's a beast runner and athlete and taught me how to play volleyball and love baseball. thanks daddy!  my mom is the most free spirited and adventurous person i know.  she can do pretty much everything and is never afraid to try anything new.  she's taught me so many little life lessons along the way, and i am so thankful that she is always available to listen, even when i'm not interested in saying anything at all.  she has been a great encouragement to me pursuing my dreams and i know she will always support the tough decisions.  she's also an amazing cook and i can't wait to make christmas dinner with her! samuel/sammy is my older brother who i look up to more than he will ever know.  he is a genius and wise beyond his 24 years.  his patience with me as a younger sister is admiring, because i know how annoying and naive i can be, yet he would totally be there for me if i was ever in trouble.  he's always looked out for me, even when he's been in other countries traveleing the whole world.  he's inspired me to do things without thinking too much about it, especially when it comes to exploring what else the world has to offer.  he's also full of great advice when i need it, just like a big brother should be like.  luke/lukas-quite the goober, but my life would not be complete without him.  he's just so cool, and i'm so thankful i have the role as his big sister, even though he's a lot bigger than me in hieght.  we used to fight all the time when we were younger, but i thank him especially, because i'm pretty tough having grown up with those two boys.  he is the best at making anyone laugh and has a personality that makes all the ladies fall in love.  i adore him for his talent in art and in making drinks.  i always know who to call for a laugh or a good story.  precious.


friendships: there are almost way too many close friendships to even begin how grateful and blessed i am.  honestly, my heart is so full by just knowing these amazing men and women (there are too many to be named and i don't want to leave anyone out).  i don't know if i'll ever meet anyone greater and love anyone more than i love the people in my life right now, including my sweet friends in sweden.  every single one of these treasures mean the world to me and i can't thank god enough for how they've ended up in my life.  i have been away from my friends in the states for about 10 months, but i still have the encouragement and love from them when i see them on skype or when just recieving an "i miss you."  knowing that i have these strong frienships to return to keeps me going.  whether they have helped me or i them, whether it's been 10 months or years without having seen them, or whether i see them everyday and need a break from them, i can not be more filled with joy with the friendhsips i know and hope i will have for life.  ecclesiastes says "Two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their labour. For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow: but woe to him that is alone when he falleth; for he hath not another to help him up." i can't count how many times i have experienced this verse in so many different ways, for every single one of my close friendships are so unique but lovely all the same.  it is amazing the community we were created for as believers, and the ability to form different kinds of friendships, even with those who do not choose to believe in christ.  for me personally, i have a lot of love to give, and will give it all away to let my sweet friends know how much they mean to me and how grateful i am for them! 


my kids: i can't actually call myself a mom yet, but i sure do have a lot of kids that i consider my own.  from camden: will & matthew, and mary-caston, from greenville: caleb, phoebe, & webb, and sarah & amelia, and now in sweden: erik, emma, & elias.  i have spent so much time with each and every one of these little joys, and it is never enough.  i have always loved kids, but these ones are going to have a special role in my life forever. they are so close to my heart and i miss them so much when i am away and can't go to guitar recitals, baseball and soccer games, and dance recitals...oh and don't forget the CHRISTMAS plays!! it's so exciting to be a role model to these youngin's no matter how far away i am from them.  if you just spend one day with a kid in general, you find you can enjoy the smallest things in life and become a kid again yourself.  talking to them just to see what they will say can also have you laughing until you cry.  my best dates have been with my kids (including holding hands and skipping stones...dead serious) and i have so many great stories.  it seems my life is constantly surrounded by these little ones i love so much, and you wonder why i want to be a teacher.  they are honestly the greatest gifts in the world, and i mean that.  i am thankful for them always.


opportunities: i can not be more grateful for the opportunities that have been placed in my life thus far.  i have had the greatest encouragers and supporters to push me to do all that i love and take on life at warp speed. there are many things i have accomplished that i would not be able to do without the right timing and opportunities.  one for sure is being able to come to sweden as an au pair, something i never thought would happen to me.  but it did, with a couple of contacts i made at the cliffs communities... ba-da-bing ba-da-boom and here i am. there has not been a time in my life where i have been stopped from doing something that gives me joy or has stretched and challenged me to make me a stronger person than i thought i'd be.  some of the opportunities are just for fun, like being able to road trip through europe, meeting someone with connections to a great job, or a chance to babysit in panama city beach and meet new lifetime friends.  other opportunities, i may not be as grateful for them until i realize that jesus was trying to teach me something, or use me to reach someone else.  whatever the case, i am eternally grateful and blessed.


i am finding it hard to conclude this post on a solid note, for it to have been so sweet and sappy above.  so i suppose i'll end it with what i started with: "ain't even need a turkey for it to be thanksgiving..."and i surely didn't even think about the fact that we came over on the mayflower. woops. maybe next year i'll include the history part. 


Happy Holiday Season!!

"people say i'm a dreamer, but i'm not the only one"

this is me. i am a dreamer. and i will forever love coldplay. the end.

paradise-coldplay

When she was just a girl
She expected the world
But it flew away from her reach so
She ran away in her sleep
and dreamed of
Para-para-paradise, Para-para-paradise, Para-para-paradise
Every time she closed her eyes

When she was just a girl
She expected the world
But it flew away from her reach
and the bullets catch in her teeth
Life goes on, it gets so heavy
The wheel breaks the butterfly
Every tear a waterfall
In the night the stormy night she'll close her eyes
In the night the stormy night away she'd fly

and dreams of
Para-para-paradise
Para-para-paradise
Para-para-paradise

And so lying underneath those stormy skies
She'd say, "oh, ohohohoh I know the sun must set to rise"

This could be
Para-para-paradise
Para-para-paradise
Para-para-paradise

if i only had a brain

being an au pair is not in any way glamourous. for example, sometimes you don't think the disappointment of the 7 year old (not making it to karate practice on time because the au pair got a little misguided) will ever go away.  or that is what i felt like last night.  i was given the responsibility to get erik (7 year old) to karate last night because grandpa, who usually takes him, had plans and the mom had to work late.  i was the last resort, and that also meant that the little ones would be coming with us.  no big deal, right? EXCEPT, i really didn't have a clue where i was taking him, for i had actually only been there twice, but had never driven there myself.  i mean, i had a general idea of where the place was located (in fact it's an old regiment that looks like a castle...how do you miss a castle?!).  however, the GPS sucks, we got stuck in rush hour traffic (why we had to leave an hour early to drive 6 miles), it was dark so i didn't recognize the buildings that well, i hate swedish highway signs, and i had two kids in the back who were thirsty and i couldn't reach their juice boxes (yes, i thought i was ahead of the game by bringing them snacks and drinks so they could have them while we were waiting for erik to finish practice). well, we ended up at liseberg (only about 3 miles away at this point) while waiting in traffic and got to see a TON of christmas lights, which was definitely the only highlight of the misguided adventure, however, we only had to 4 minutes left to make it on time.  i'm stressing the whole time.  erik was so angry at me and we got there 15 minutes late.  i told him to rush in and we would be waiting for him after practice (practice is an hour long), but when i got the little ones shoes off and settled, i found him in the administrators office sobbing.  we forgot his karate card...heavy sigh...dangit.  i am the worst au pair ever! i tried to explain to the administrator that i got turned around and there was traffic and the gps is not updateed...she didn't really understand me, what's new?  he was so embarrassed he just wanted to go home, of which i can understand.

i have to say i was really nervous about the ride home and getting a lecture from a 7 year old about how he never wants me to take him to karate again and how i should know where i was going.  i was right, i got an earful of a tearful swedish lecture. i started apologizing in my best swedish, which consisted of, "i'm so sorry your american au pair is an idiot."  he seemed to like that and concluded that i didn't have a brain.  i tried to make a funny and said, "you know what, the scarecrow in the wizard of oz sings a song called "if i only had a brain..." dangit, he didn't laugh. oops, bad timing, again.  i tried to explain that i really did try my best but erik was right, my brain just ceased to exist for an hour.  hey, it happens, maybe more frequently than i'd like, but eventually the kids had a little more understanding.  eventually i had them laughing at their crazy american nanny again.  emma, my little angel in the backseat, concluded with "it's okay to be dumb sometimes" with elias backing her up,"yeah, ok be dumb sometimes." (i promise this is so much funnier in swedish)  gee, thanks guys hahaha even though i was more upset at myself for my misguidedness, i had to laugh.  i just love kids.  they are so quick to forgive and forget.  even a scarecrow like me. 

whew, anybody want to be an au pair? contact me before you do. 

"Keep Your Eyes Open" needtobreathe

If you could soldier on, headstrong into the storm
I'll be here waiting on the other side don't
Look back the road is long, the first days of the war are gone
Take back your former throne and turn the tide

'Cus if you never leave home, never let go
You'll never make it to the great unknown
Till you keep your eyes... open my love

So tell me you're strong, tell me you see
I need to hear it, can you promise me
To keep your eyes... open my love

Just past the circumstance, the first light a second chance
No child could ever dance the way you do oh
Tear down the prison walls, don't stop the curtain calls
Your chains will never fall until you do

'Cus if you never leave home, never let go
You'll never make it to the great unknown
Till you keep your eyes... open my love

So show me your fire, show me your heart
You know I'll never let you fall apart
If you keep your eyes... open my love

Ohhh open up
Ohhh open up
Ohhh open up your eyes, the weight is unbroken

Ohhh open up
Ohhh open up
Ohhh open up your eyes (keep your eyes open)

Don't let the night become the day
Don't take the darkness to the grave
I know pain is just a place
The will has been broken

Don't let the fear become the hate
Don't take the sadness to the grave
I know the fight is on the way
When the sides have been choosen

Cus' if you never leave home, never let go
You'll never make it to the great unkown
Open up your eyes, keep your eyes open

Tell me you're strong, tell me you see
I need to hear it, can you promise me
To keep your eyes... open my love

So show me your fire, show me your heart
You know I'll never let you fall apart
If you keep your eyes... open love my love
Keep your eyes... (keep your eyes open)

when mr. clapton says it best

okay, so there's this guy...that i seriously can't forget about! he is a guy that broke my heart (a year and some ago now) and never said he was sorry. i should despise him, but i can't because he's actually turned out to be an awesome guy, not that he wasn't before (clearly, because that's why i fell for him the first place). there have been many times while here in sweden where i had to dig really deep and be okay with the fact that it was a bad time for both of us, and that we aren't going to be together.  after a little time of not thinking about him, he flippin shows in my dreams!! (p.s. i'm a huge believer in fairy tales, but i'm not a fan of the phrase, "a dream is a wish your heart makes"...not this time anyways) it's so stupid and i'm so tired of this.  i have to repeat over and over again in my head that i am over it, but a month later, my current love interest, sends me an article about him!! REALLY?!!  why? i just don't understand.  p.s. this "old love" is probably going to be famous (hence, the article) within the next year or two, ugh.  my sweet lord knows i need to get him out of my heart completely before he starts blowing up sportscenter.  maybe i'm never going to be able to forget him as someone i loved, but i pray that he is only recognized as "old love" so i can move on. this song came on my blues playlist, and it is nothing more that what i want to say.  so thank you eric clapton for understanding.  play, baby, play. 

Old Love

Eric Clapton

also, john mayer does a cover...ya killin' me john. ya really killin' me. 

never too late

first of all i just have to say praise and bless the lord, for he is the greatest father and teacher i will ever know in my life.  just today, he has proved once again that he is in control (psalm 54:4), and when i am weak, he gives me strength, which is what i specifically asked him to give me today.

background story: i hate confrontation. i hate sharing emotions that are anything other than happy or lovely. i hate complaining.  i especially HATE that if i am ever frustrated or angry about something, i do not let it be known and typically just shrug it off and let it go. i hate that about myself because it becomes a problem when i allow the little things to build up into a huge thing, suffocating my own heart.  eventually, it comes out, though always a little too late, to where i explode, whether through tears, or surprise attack.   i am the queen of bad timing, and everytime i put off some kind of confrontation about something i'm angry, stressed, or struggling with (which is pretty rare for me), the timing is always wrong, because i should have said something or reached out for help a lot sooner.  most of this stems from being a people pleaser and not knowing where to draw the line.  i think today, though, i have finally realized that it's better late than never.

just like in past experiences where i have found myself at breaking point over something i, myself, sara giffin, have let build up, i finally realized that i just can't do it anymore.  i need to just let this thing go. so i am up in my little hideaway in my room, and i had to ask god for strength and courage to make it through the day and an opportunity for this weight to be lifted off my shoulders.  this "thing" to which i am referring to is the challenge i face everyday as an au pair living with a swedish family of a soldier in afghanistan.  i will not go into to detail on what specifically caused anxiety to take over in my heart, and i'm not even sure how long it's been creeping up on me.  any time i wanted to say something about this issue, i thought it was just too late, and i would jut have to deal with it for my last 30 days here.  BUT then (gasp! a moment where you hear a heavenly choir), then an opportunity for confrontation stood right in front of me, and the lord guided me through it with grace and ease.  turns out, both parties have a hard time with confrontational communication skills, and we both had to set pride aside, and let it go.  that feels so good.  a fresh start and strong finish for the last 30 days of one of the most challenging 10 months of my life.  finally, i feel like i can breathe again!  now, if i can just keep myself from running into this wall again, that would be great.  i've already added it to my 2012 new years resolutions-let my heart show fully, even when it's frustrated and anxious...face the fear of confrontation.   

i have to thank my godly parents and older brother for their prayers and encouragement, but more important, i am overjoyed with thanksgiving to the lord for this little victory.  i asked him for strength, and he gave it to me, literally, no more than 2 hours after being on my face in tears.  he does say in his word, "Until now you have asked nothing in my name. ask, and you will receive, that your joy may be full." John 16:24.  oh, is my joy full right now, knowing that god intricately cares for my heart, and lifts me up when i've fallen to my knees.  glory, glory, hallelujah!
                                  Psalm 30

 ¹ I will extol You, O LORD, for You have lifted me up,
   And have not let my foes rejoice over me.
 ² O LORD my God, I cried out to You,
   And You healed me.
 ³ O LORD, You brought my soul up from the grave;
   You have kept me alive, that I should not go down to the pit.
   
 ⁴ Sing praise to the LORD, you saints of His,
   And give thanks at the remembrance of His holy name.
 ⁵ For His anger is but for a moment,
   His favor is for life;
   Weeping may endure for a night,
   But joy comes in the morning.
       
 ⁶ Now in my prosperity I said,
   “I shall never be moved.”
 ⁷ LORD, by Your favor You have made my mountain stand strong;
   You hid Your face, and I was troubled.
       
 ⁸ I cried out to You, O LORD;
   And to the LORD I made supplication:
 ⁹ “What profit is there in my blood,
   When I go down to the pit?
   Will the dust praise You?
   Will it declare Your truth?
 ¹⁰ Hear, O LORD, and have mercy on me;
   LORD, be my helper!”
       
 ¹¹ You have turned for me my mourning into dancing;
   You have put off my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness,
 ¹² To the end that my glory may sing praise to You and not be silent.
   O LORD my God, I will give thanks to You forever.

amen. 

Butternut Squash Soup

this is hands down one of my favorite soups of all time, especially in the fall!  if you have never tried it, you are missing out.  it is perfect on it's own with a baguette, or as an appetizer. you can basically make it any way you like it, but here's the way i've made it that tasted best so far (i plan on trying it many different ways):

what you need:
1 butternut squash (duh) diced
1 onion chopped
2 garlic cloves minced
2 tbsp butter
chicken stock
fresh nutmeg
kardumum
salt and pepper to taste

what you do:
melt the butter in your large cooking pot and add onions and minced garlic.  allow the onions to cook until transparent, then dump your butternut squash.  pour the chicken stock over the squash, just enough to cover the butternut squash.  put the lid on, reduce the heat 2 notches, and let the squash cook in the stock until soft.  when the squash is soft, use a slotted spoon to transfer the squash into another bowl, where you will puree the butternut squash until smooth without any chunks remaining.  pour the pureed squash back into the pot.  stir until creamy and "soup-like."  take the nutmeg and grate about 1 tsp over the soup. add your kardumum, then salt and pepper to taste.

a perfect rainy day or fall recipe from my kitchen to yours.

p.s. my mom makes hers with fresh lavender...a MUST 

my constant

i am a runner, as stated on my blog profile, yet i have kept from writing about this joy the entire time i've been in sweden. i thought this subject would be the one thing i wrote about most, but as it turns out, there have been zero posts about how this physical activity has the closest relationship with my heart, second to jesus.

close to the beginning of my time here, my dear friend kate, who is also a runner, and i were talking about the changes you face when moving to another country.  she stated that with a move that changes everything you know in your life, the best way to keep from going insane is to have a "constant" or something you loved doing that you can do anywhere.  of all the things that i love to do, which is a LOT, running is the one that has helped keep me sane.  seriously.  i remember how lonely and scared i felt when i first got here, thinking "i am not gonna be able to do this...ten months...i'm in trouble"  then i remember how i felt the first time i laced up and hit the trails. oh, what a heavy sigh of relief.  i was finally able to be with myself and feel like myself, and i knew that i would be okay.  it's what brings me back to life.

i only started running maybe 2 years ago, and my inspiration was my dad, and watching him run the finish of his very first marathon.  it might have been my first marathon experience, besides seeing all of my older brother's cross country and track competitions.  seeing how free and strong all these runners looked gave me this idea.  i wanted to look as free and strong as they did, so i started training for my first 5k.  with the help of my older brother and my dad encouraging me, i became completely obssessed, and knew i had found something that was worth the struggle. it was a hard transition from always loving sprints and volleyball training to loving long distance running.  i'm not going to lie, my first few times i hated the way i felt after and wanted to puke my life up every time.  but i kept going, knowing that stage only lasts for a short time.  then as soon as i met the runner's high, i realized that i might never go back to a life without running.  since my beginning, i have run about seven 5ks, two 10ks, and five half marathons, which i can say 13.1 miles is my favorite distance.  my goal already for 2012 is to run my first full marathon, but everytime i've run a half, i think, "how in the world would i ever be able to run this twice?"  haha well, with this obsession, looks like i will never be satisfied until i find out.

my relationship with the sport is not just physical, but also just as much as spiritual and emotional. i can't explain to anyone what a relief it is to let my thoughts wander and be free while running.  it's just me and the road, no judgements, no insecurities, no outside world, and nothing to get in the way of my thoughts and prayers.  i feel strong, brave, tired, empowered, and fierce, all at the same time.  i usually run with music to steady my pace, stimulate thoughts, create moments in my head of where these songs would play-a movie or a novel. then there are days where the run couldn't be more in tune with the sounds of the environment around me, and where i just need the silence to pray specifically for something i am struggling with, or something i am so incredibly thankful for.  often times i find this is where some of my more intimate conversations with god take place.  there are even some day where i feel as if jesus in on the run with me.

however, not every run is an empowering and freeing state of mind.  depending on my training during the week, whether it has been consistent or not, i could have a crappy run, and have on many occasions.  it never stops me though. i have to keep going, because i know it is worth it in the end, especially when you recieve your finisher medal.  it takes perseverance, endurance, and some good glides to make it to the end.  i mentioned before that my running relationship is just as spiritual as it is physical. well, that is because training for a race and running in general, is just like, i believe, the walk of a christian in this age. it starts with fundamentals, then gets harder and longer.  the more you stick with the training the better the results and recieving the medal at the end are.  when i trained for my first half, i was very strickt with my training when i first started out, really focusing on my pace and my long runs.  however, there were a couple weeks where i became lazy and allowed other influences to talk me out of doing my long run, or maybe a couple runs in a row.  bad move.  the next week was like starting over.  if you are not consistent, you are only creating a battle with yourself.  this has proved to be true in my christian walk as well.  sunday school and youth group was easy, especially when memorizing scripture and bible studies were...not forced...but highly encouraged by house rules.  i loved it, i was always on a high, and i learned so much.  however, when you start making decisions on your own, you take all the "training" you did for granted; the training being praying, going to church, studying the bible, and having close relationships with your brothers and sisters in christ.  it's not hard to get into a funk when you've put down your bible for weeks or months.  exactly like training for a race, you have to be consistent.  it is impossible to have an intimate relationship with christ if you are not eagerly seeking him out.  it is impossible to complete a marathon and recieve that medal with out training.  your body can't handle "wingin" a marathon. just like our hearts, as christians, we can't handle the christian walk alone without proper training.  this just makes sense to me.

one of my favorite passages in scripture actually mentions racing, and i love the way "the message" puts it:

"You've all been to the stadium and seen the athletes race. Everyone runs; one wins. Run to win. All good athletes train hard. They do it for a gold medal that tarnishes and fades. You're after one that's gold eternally. I don't know about you, but I'm running hard for the finish line. I'm giving it everything I've got. No sloppy living for me! I'm staying alert and in top condition. I'm not going to get caught napping, telling everyone else all about it and then missing out myself"
 1 Corinthians 9:24-27


in the new king james:
"Do you not know that those who run in a race all run, but one receives the prize? Run in such a way that you may obtain it. And everyone who competes for the prize is temperate in all things. Now they do it to obtain a perishable crown, but we for an imperishable crown.  Therefore I run thus: not with uncertainty. Thus I fight: not as one who beats the air.  But I discipline my body and bring it into subjection, lest, when I have preached to others, I myself should become disqualified.

i believe with my whole entire heart and from experience that giving jesus everything i've got gives me the most inexplainable joy and love i've ever had in my life.  i am not saying that i haven't been on dark roads, or that i'm at that point right now, but even just a taste of what it's like to be at rest in the father's arms keeps me going.  for indeed, we are running for an "imprerishable crown" that we will recieve when we meet jesus face to face in his glorious kingdom.  just the thought brings tears to my eyes.  this is why i run, for the most part, and why it has become a love of mine that i hope to carry well into my 70's.  i want to recieve the medal at the end, literally and spiritually, and if that means training is going to be hard, that's ok.  i know it hurts, strains, challenges, and pushes you to the limit, but i will fight for that.  i'm not perfect, but i do have my jesus to help me, as my mom says, "finish strong!!" 

when things come to an end

i find it hard to believe that i will ever forget any of the memories i've made while living in sweden.  the end of my adventure draws near, and i can't help but think of all the things and people i will miss, but also what i have to look forward to.

my 3 best friends here, kate, madeleine, and mathilda, were over for a long overdue ladies night at my house...it was convenient how the kids were "borta" (gone for the night).  the mom, jenny, also had to go to  seminar so it was just the 4 of us, and we had plans to watch "breakfast at tiffany's."  it was while we were sitting at the dinner table sipping on wine that i felt as if i was in a movie, and how much i will miss these ladies nights. i can't wait to see all my girls from home, but these girls are so special, for they are most of the reason why i was able to survive a lot of the culture shock here.  just the conversation and jokes with 20-something ladies created such a bond between us.  it will be weird not getting to see them at least once a weekend, walk around town shopping, and finding all the cutest cafes around göteborg.  it is not the last time i will see them come december, but i will hate saying goodbye to them.

i can't even begin to think about all the things i will miss about the kids without crying.  kids, from my personal experience, are the most difficult to say goodbye to.  i had to do it before i came, and now i have to do all over again.  but instead of crying about it, i'm just going to list all the things i will miss and the images i will hold on to.

what i'll miss about living in sweden:
cheap travel
summer berries from the woods (cherries, razberries, blackberries, huckleberries, wils strawberries, red currant)
gorgeous old architecture
living on the water
the summer house
every single little adorable cafe
H&M on every corner
sunsets at 10pm in the summer
those sparkly blue eyes (i've never seen them like that before)
walking everywhere
public transportation (rare in small southern towns)
practicing my swedish

what i'll miss about my swedish family/kids:
having tea with jenny after the kids go to bed
twirling with emma to "princess" music (a.k.a. disney soundtracks)
elias little feet curled up on my lap
building legos with erik
making them american pancakes
going to the playground
butchering bedtime stories because of my swenglish
elias screaming "maaaaamaaaaaaa or NAAAANNYYYYY" first thing on a saturday morning
taking erik to swim school
coloring with emma
elias pouty face, giggles, and other hilarious expressions
erik's svengelska (equivalent to my swenglish, except the opposite, of course)
emma's girly-ness ALL the time, except when she whines
our own version of hide & seek (where i hide and then come up behind them and scare them!)
how excited the kids are every day when you pick them up from school
their little heads popping into my skype dates

there is so much to be kept in my heart that is not listed here, but more will be added as i think about them.  again i'll say that i am not looking forward to saying goodbye, but knowing that it is not a "forever" goodbye will keep from tearfully thinking about it until it comes.  plus, my family will be waiting for me in new york. "i'll be home for christmas..."

and scene

holiday favorites

54 days til CHRISTMAS!!! yesterday, the first of november, i started listening to christmas music, making my christmas shopping list, skipping around the house freaking everyone out with how ridiculously giddy i am, and dreaming of a winter wonderland.  it is one of my absolute favorite times of the year and i like to make it last as long as i can stand it. here's why:

cold weather
family
friends
kids going crazy (including me)
hoping for snow
sitting by the fire
hot chocolate
starbucks specials (gingerbread latte)
SNOW (if we're lucky in sc)
christmas LIGHTS everywhere (on houses, in the city, on the trees)
christmas trees
celebrating the birth of jesus
seeing happy faces
gift wrapping with extravagant bows
christmas MUSIC (might be my favorite)
mistletoe
eggs benedict on christmas morning
candlelight services
big red bows on the church doors
dave barnes christmas extravaganza
hallmark commercials
movies (the grinch, home alone, love actually, the holiday, it's a wonderful life, polar express...etc)
scarves and pea coats
reading the story of jesus birth in the gospels
annoying the heck out of my brothers
christmas parties
ornaments
red and gold
pointsettas
curling up with a good book
socks
christmas photo cards in the mail
the nutcracker
ice skating
caroling

i am convinced that every year the list of favorites gets bigger, but this year, there is so much more to be excited about because it will be the first time in 10 months that i have seen my family and friends (excluding the week of my best friend's wedding)!! i have loved almost every moment i have lived here in sweden, but it is time to come home to all the people i love the most! the best part is that my parents and brother will be waiting for me in new york, where we will get to spend 2 days catching up, laughing, and exploring the big apple!  i am SO so SO excited, for none of us have ever been to new york, especially at CHRISTMAS!!! it's going to be the best christmas ever, and i know i will be shedding some tears in front of that big and beautiful tree in rockefeller center!

not to be cheesy, but it is seriously "the most wonderful time of the year."
make it last, people. 

The No Name Book Club

a swede, a brit, an american, and a love for getting lost in a good book. 

a bittersweet ending is approaching fast for me and the lovely friends i have made in sweden.  as busy as life can get, we want to stay connected over the long distance, so we decided to start an international book club!  all three of us realized we've always wanted to do it, so why not?  our book for the month of october was "breakfast at tiffany's" because it is only 99 pages long and we started in the middle of october, giving us only a couple of weeks to fit a novel into our busy schedules (funny story: we all work with kids). thus, the start of our very own book club: the "no name" book club.

the "no name" given title of our book club was inspired by the beloved "cat" in the story.  holly golightly is an interesting character in the story that claims she doesn't feel right giving the "poor slob" a name because she feels they don't belong to each other. "belongingness" being one of the many themes in the novel allows the reader to be able to relate to the story in a personal way, especially us women, because we can struggle with figuring out what we belong to.  so it was at our first meeting in our favorite cafe that we decided we all at least belong to this new book club with "no name," where we will be able to stay connected and continue developing the existing friendship we share.  i am much looking forward to not only being able to stay in touch with new friends, but also deepening my already existing love and knowledge of literature.

"it takes about four seconds to walk from here to the door, i'll give you two."



 

coffee before lunch

there are many moments in life, where i feel as if i am either 1. in a movie, or 2. having a moment that will be included in my novel one day.  today happened to be novel worthy i suppose, for it had to do with a cup of coffee and a plumber.   

now i could keep a conversation going with just about anyone, and usually end up talking someone's ears off...in english.  the swedish language, though, brings "socially awkward" to entirely new level.  picture this: group of friends that bring a new girl around.  the new girl introduces herself and says where's she's from. adn then that's it, she just stands there the rest of the time staring at everyone.  if someone tries to ask a question, you only get a "yes" or a "no," and you go home thinking, "sheesh, that new girl was weird."  well, that's usually me in sweden when meeting new people, which i will say that after 9 months, the language is coming along.  when we need a plumber, though, i am a lost cause. those are words i do not recognize in my 4th grade level swedish.  thank goodness jenny was there the first day he came (bengt is his name, pronounced like "banked"), so she could give him the run down of what was going on with our sink and a leak in the garage. shortly after though, she had to go to work, so it was just me and bengt.  i pretty much just let him do his job, exchanging only a couple words....whew.  he wasn't able to finish in one day, though, so he would come back the next morning.  

next morning rolls around and it's just me in the house when bengt shows up.  i forgot to mention that he is the cutest grandpa looking swedish man i've ever seen, and he kept winking at me in a grandpa way, so naturally, i wanted to talk to him and find out his story.  i didn't want to keep him from work, so i only made small talk and told him if he needed anything to just let me know.  he was slaving away while i was doing house cleaning, and i thought it was time for a coffee break, so i asked if he'd like one too.  it was just what he needed so we sat at the table and enjoyed an endearing cup of coffee.  he drank his black, like a true swede, and so began my cute novel moment.  sweet bengt offered to speak in english, but i said no i need the practice, which turned to swenglish.  we talked about traveling, family, fun things to do in sweden, what it's like to be an au pair, and surprisingly advantages and disadvantages of both our governmental systems.  my swedish wasn't that bad either!  he said he could understand everything i said, so that was a relief. of course, he had to get back to work and i had to continue house work as well.  after he left for the day, we exchanged "so happy to have met you" handshakes and he gave me a grandpa hug.  it was the cutest thing!

i'm so thankful i was brave enough to talk to our plumber, knowing how bad my swedish can be, but he didn't seem to mind.  it is amazing the friendships you can make if you just say hello, or maybe offer someone a simple cup of coffee.  try it sometime.  even if it only lasts a day, it still brings a goofy smile to your face, and that is definitely one of my favorites.  goofy smiles and coffee.   

and scene.

thoughts provoked by a hobbit and a wizard

Frodo: "I wish the ring had never come to me. I wish none of this had happened."

Gandolf: "So do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us."

"The Fellowship of The Ring" was on tv last night, and everytime i watch these movies, something sticks out.  there are a lot of great lines in these films.  the quote above is the part right before the fellowship begins the journey with frodo to destroy the source of evil that is trying to overcome.  frodo is such hope of light for them all, as he is one small hobbit having to bear the burdens of the world.  with friends like gandolf, samwise, aragorn, merry and pippin, you think he would be able to carry on.  however, the weight of evil he carries with him, takes him on such an incredible journey of the heart and mind, where he is faced with the most difficult decisions of his life, ones he has to make on his own regardless of the faithful samwise.   

i'm sure you're wondering where i'm going with this...

i have a dear and sweet friend, a blessing really, that i was finally able to catch up with for maybe the 2nd time in 8 months.  it was long overdue, being that this friend is so dear to my heart.  it was so good to hear her voice, but i realized that not much has changed for her, except maybe everything.  what i mean is, there is always a LOT going on in her life and she is constantly faced with trial, after trial after trial; each trial, though, changing and shaping her heart.  have you ever met someone where (excuse me, but)  crap just happens to them, over and over and over again? to where it seems as if there is no room for light?  well, i have, and i don't know how she does it day after day.  i like to think that i'm strong enough to handle a lot on my plate at one time, but it's hard for me to picture myself in her position and being able to make it out alive.  though, with talking, or rather listening to her for an hour or so, i was so encouraged by her heart. the heart of a lion.  like frodo, i'm sure she wishes she could go through life without having to experience "such times," but she does anyways.  what inspires me the most, while wishing i could take all the pain from her, is that for all that she faces, she makes one powerful decision: to trust in the lord and continue to surrender it all in ceaseless prayer.  she's like a job: "the lord gave and the lord has taken away, blessed be the name of the lord!" (1:21).  this is what she lives by daily, and all the while she might be experiencing more joy than most people get to experience in a lifetime, all because her trust in the lord only brings her closer to him.  hallelujah!

i was reduced to tears watching the conversation between frodo and gandolf and thinking about my sweet friend.  it is extremely difficult in such an age as today's to wake every morning and praise the god of the heaven, rather than complain about how much life can suck.  i am definitely guilty of that one.  not all the time, but there are surely days that i have to consciously strip down my pride. james 1:2 says, "my brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience."  this is a given scripture reminder that we've all known since we were 13, but the word remains as strong today as it did when we were 13, and the day it was breathed by our holy god.  it's for us, god's children, when we just wish some things wouldn't happen, most of which are out of our control.  "so do all who live to see such times.  but that is not for them to decide.  all we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us." thank you to an amzing sister in christ, frodo, and gandolf, for a reminder to persevere on this journey...life as we know it. 

encouraged,
~uncharted

phone number worthy

"last friday night..." i didn't dance on any table tops or take too many shots, instead i went home at 1:00, which is pretty early for a single 23 year old in sweden. i did go home a little giddy, though.  it was the first time in a liong time that i had actually been out with the girls on a friday night.  i never really go to "single-mingle" because i am 100% positive that i am not gonna be bringing any swedish boys home.  the cultural differences of me growing up southern baptist are just to different from the swedish ways, and i really don't think they could handle how loud my personality is. truth. BUT, i spiced up my look a little bit anyways, just for kicks and giggles. i mean i even straightened my hair! crazy!
the evening went on as usual, we met at a classy bar for some wine and had a nice sit with great conversation, catching up on the week and aimless wanderings. nearing 10:30 we decided we were a bit tired and should probably head on home. 

*sidenote-this is not lame. we are all three working with kids all day and it may not be a marathon, but it's just as mentally exhausting. trust me. end sidenote*

there was something in the air though, and so one of the girls and i decided to stay out for one more drink and people watching.  we headed towards the block known for bars packed with a variety of different people.  after elbows, puffy jackets, and bouncers, (it's pretty cold at night nowadays...freezing i mean) we finally managed to get inside and snag a beer.  typically beer is NOT my thing, but it's alright after a couple glasses of "toscano rosso." 
as we were two single girls, we started checking out some of the cuties.  i was sad when i saw a group of super cute brits leave, thinking, "dangit, i should've made a move," but making the approach is still not my style. not a lot of effort come from the boys these days, and i honestly don't know what they are so scared of.  when a girl is staring at you and smiles, that's your invitation. don't just stand there looking awkward or stare back and not walk over to her. but anyways, we had a good time making up stories belonging to groups of people.  then came the yawns. ok, we're lame. let's ditch, but not before seeing the ladies room.
 
here is my moment: an old dude cuts in front of me and the guy behind him tells him off, and the guy behind me in fact is JOSH DUMAHL!
sike. that was last night's dream. but, the guy behind me did make the old creepy man leave.  i simply thanked him in swedish (tack!), and he started a conversation:
"are you from göteborg?"
me-"yeah, i live here, but i'm actually from the states"
(p.s. all of this is in swedish, my other personality i've just happened to pick up on...it's cool because i can be anyone i want!! HA)
"excuse me? you're american? how many years have you been here?"
me-"oh, actually, it's only been 8 months..."
"that's impossible! how can you speak such good swedish?!"
(HA it worked! he thought i was swedish!)
me-"eh, i'm just good like that..." and there was my escape into the bathroom, leaving him no room for a reply, typical hard-to-get move.

and that was the end of that. i talked to one boy. for about 45 seconds. and for the record, he didn't look anything like josh dumahl.  he's was blonde with light eyes, from what i could tell in the dim lights. swedes.

so the night was ending for the old gals, and we made our way out the door. a block later, i felt these hands on my shoulder and a "wait, wait, wait" ..........uummmmm...ok first of al..whoah where did you come from?! it was the dude from the bathroom queue!! and he was still in his t-shirt! did i mention it was freezing outside?!! all of a sudden this guy starts telling me that i can't leave, that i have to stay for one more drink so he could talk to me...i reply with: "actually, i can leave, and i have kids to go home to..." (oh, being an au pair, and all of this was still in swedish. impressed? lol).  he was so stinking cute about it though, especially when he said, with shivering, praying hands, "please, i'm a really nice guy."  i believed him, he seemed nice, but i was still going home, knowing that conversation would just be small talk (and the same story i've told everyone new i meet when i'm out). i really was tired, but he asked if i would be out next weekend and if he could have my number.  i mean, the dude chased me down, if he was josh dumahl, it would've been the most precious "meet-cute" ever! i gave him my number, knowing that my phone was broken, and that i would never see him again, but in the moment, it was totally phone number worthy! AND a cute story!

what a great way to end a night! guess i don't have to be disappointed in you boys, after all.