I've heard it said that a man would climb a mountain Just to be with the one he loves. How many times has he broken that promise It has never been done. I've never climbed the highest mountain, But I walked the hill of Calvary.
[Chorus] Just to be with you, I will do anything There's no price I would not pay no Just to be with you, I would give everything I would give my life away.
I've heard it said that a man would swim the ocean Just to be with the one he loves All of those dreams are an empty motion. It can never be done. I've never swam the deepest ocean, But I walked upon the raging sea.
[Chorus]
I know that you don't understand the fullness of My love. How I died upon the cross for your sins. And I know that you don't realize how much that I give you But I promise, I would do it all again.
Just to be with you, I've done everything There's no price I did not pay no Just to be with you, I gave everything Yes, I gave my life away. Just to be with you.
Bless the Lord, O my soul; And all that is within me, bless His holy name! 2 Bless the Lord, O my soul, And forget not all His benefits: 3 Who forgives all your iniquities, Who heals all your diseases, 4 Who redeems your life from destruction, Who crowns you with lovingkindness and tender mercies, 5 Who satisfies your mouth with good things, So that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.
6 The Lord executes righteousness And justice for all who are oppressed. 7 He made known His ways to Moses, His acts to the children of Israel. 8 The Lordis merciful and gracious, Slow to anger, and abounding in mercy. 9 He will not always strive with us, Nor will He keep His anger forever. 10 He has not dealt with us according to our sins, Nor punished us according to our iniquities.
11 For as the heavens are high above the earth, So great is His mercy toward those who fear Him; 12 As far as the east is from the west, So far has He removed our transgressions from us. 13 As a father pities his children, So the Lord pities those who fear Him. 14 For He knows our frame; He remembers that we are dust.
15 As for man, his days are like grass; As a flower of the field, so he flourishes. 16 For the wind passes over it, and it is gone, And its place remembers it no more.[a] 17 But the mercy of the Lordis from everlasting to everlasting On those who fear Him, And His righteousness to children’s children, 18 To such as keep His covenant, And to those who remember His commandments to do them.
19 The Lord has established His throne in heaven, And His kingdom rules over all.
20 Bless the Lord, you His angels, Who excel in strength, who do His word, Heeding the voice of His word. 21 Bless the Lord, all you His hosts, You ministers of His, who do His pleasure. 22 Bless the Lord, all His works, In all places of His dominion.
to forewarn you, this is going to be long. it may even take a couple days to say all that has been on my mind and on my heart since my last post, which was a week ago. you see what i should do is write more often, that way i don't have to remember all my profound thoughts at once. oh well, maybe i'll learn one day.
anywho, this is going to be about grace, and the underserving yet incredible relationship i have with my heavenly father, Jesus Christ. if i could show you a picture of what my relationship with jesus looks like, it would be a long dirt road, and on that dirt road would be a man and a little girl walking, holding hands and talking. you'd see the little girl looking up mesmerized at this man, feeling the safest she'll ever feel and that nothing can touch her and take her from that place. the man in return, is mesmerized by this little girl and looks down at her like she is the most precious sight to behold, a beautiful creation, and covers her with compassion and love.
every so often, the man stoops down to show her something along the path that is lovely, a flower, horses running free, the ocean, or a sunset, for a sunset is what this little girl loves almost more than anything in the world. they continue walking hand in hand until the little girl sees something that makes her want to go off on her own. she looks up at the man in search for permission, but the man tells her she won't like it there, that she will be happier with him, because he loves her. but the little girl lets go of the man's hand, and seeks out what it is that has her so entranced. the man doesn't keep going without her though. he waits for her to come back and reach for his hand, right where she left it. and she does, bruised and embarrassed that she didn't listen, but he never moved and loved her just as much when she returned, desiring to hold her the rest of the way, until she can be planted on her feet again.
this is how my jesus loves me, even when i run off the path. you'd think after i've run off the path the few times i'd get it (ha me too), but i don't, and something else entrances me to run towards what i think will make me happy. recently having been on a "high" from being back, i did it again. i messed up. i was going to church, doing the bible study thing, surrounding myself with godly people, and praying, when at the slightest moment of vulnerability, satan grasped my attention with what he knows will get me when i get ahead of myself, and let my pride reign. gah that stinkin pride that makes me want to make decisions and plan my life on my own without asking jesus for help. so dumb, sara, so dumb.
i think i explained how hard it has been for me to focus on the decisions i need to make to move forward in my career, but i'm not focused, and it sucks. these are huge decisions to make and it would be awesome if they could be made for me, but they can't (yes, i knew this the whole time). so in the meantime, me being scared to actually make one solid decision, i've made lots of bad decisions (a.k.a. mistakes) that have put me farther than where i started. one thing was all i needed: distractions. satan knew this too so he provided me with many, and i fell for it. i'm not going to go in to detail about the heart of my mistakes, because we are all filthy sinners, and the result of our sin is the same: destruction and despair. goodness i felt it, and satan was laughing histericaly as he moved on to his next plan to try and destroy my faith. this went on pretty fiercely for a couple of weeks, the guilt just building up, until, of course, i couldn't handle it anymore and finally asked god in faith, pure faith, to take these distractions away...and he did. like the very next day. jesus' half brother james writes in james 1: 5-6 "...let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for he who doubts is like a wave of the sea driven and tossed by the wind." my sweet jesus knew i would come back, and knew i would come back broken, but to further our relationship, he wanted me to ask him. he always wants me to ask him, to humble myself just ask. do you know how many times a verse along the lines of "ask and you shall recieve" is in the bible? at least 25 (according to my hazy search in google) where these verses state that if you ask in god's name, he will give to you! john 16: 24 says it in my favorite way: "Until now you have not asked for anything in my name. Ask and you will receive, and your joy will be complete." if there is anyone who wants their joy to be complete, i'm your girl! that is my favorite fruit to exuberate and jesus tells me over and over that the only way that my joy will be complete is if i ask him in faith to show me which way i should go. to trust him with the plans he has for me (jeremiah 29:11), instead of trying to plan everything meself. this never works, and i am proven wrong every time.
was this my goal upon returning to the states? yes. did it last? well, no, but that is why GRACE is so good. in all of the mistakes i've made over the past couple of months and the sins i commit daily, i am never out of god's reach, for his grace covers me wherever i am. a shout out to a new friend of mine, mrs. ruth, says it best and creates such a good motto for living: "let me tell you how good the lord is..." and he IS! and his grace is that much sweeter. his grace is the open hand that waits for me on the path, his grace is what allows me to pour out love on others, what brings tears to my eyes when someone gets baptized, what ends the day in the warm colors that i crave so much, what lifts me out of the pit, what redeems me, what reaches for my heart, what was brutally forsaken on the cross for my sin. grace. i'm going to quote beth moore from her james study, for i just read this one last week and it has resonated with me, along with the scripture reference which is found in james 4:6:
"he gives greater grace. therefore he says: God resists the proud, but gives grace to the humble."
b.m. goes on to write:
"think of all that weighs on you: yesterday's regrets, today's demands, tomorrow's plans...sink yourself in those five words until all your fears of failure, inadequacy, unforgiveness, and insufficiency drown. Don't come up for air until those fears lay lifeless and cold on the bottom of the sea. let jesus lighten your burden until you float up to the top, youth renewed, heart restored. He is enough. Let me say that again: HE IS ENOUGH. When you need more, you will have more. when your woes are great, His GRACE is GREATER. when our sins are vast, His mercy is deep. We cannot exceed him. We cannot outrun him."
~from James: Mercy Triumphs
is grace not something you want to just fall into? i could go on and on and on about how grace alone has affected my life, but it will all sum up to the fact that i am restored. i am so underserving of any of the love jesus continuously pours over me, but his grace makes it so that i am redeemed, restored, and renewed over and over again. i am so grateful that i serve an amazing God that will always be enough.
"And He said to me, “My graceissufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me."
hey, remember that time i went to sweden for 10 and a 1/2 months? well tomorrow will mark exactly 2 months of having been home in lugoff, south carolina, and it really has taken me this long to get adjusted. i was warned that i would experience a bit of reverse culture shock when i came home, and buddy they didn't lie. i think i am finally at the point where i can focus on one thing for about 2 hours before having a mental breakdown. this could also result from adult onset ADD, which i've never been tested for, and probably never will, but i'd rather blame it on the reverse culture shock, for that seems a more legitimate excuse.
let me fill you in on what has gone on in the past couple months:
unemployment. i think i honestly thought i would magically have a job as soon as i got back, and i also had these plans of having at least 3 of them to start saving up for my next adventure (i have an english wedding to attend in june...in a castle #nobigdeal). haha nope. my plans haven't worked out...YET. i am blessed beyond measure to find the little knick knacks here and there though, like babysitting, working for my mom on job sites, box paper scissors, and funeral housesitting. it helps that i grew up in this small town and no one has left, so thankfully once the word got around i was home for a while, i've had many phone calls. still my profession is in education, so if i could focus for an entire day at a time, i might actually be able to fill out an entire application instead of going crazy. and literally, because i have no routine (and no car because my dad drives mine for his job...that he goes to every day...it's his routine), i don't wake up with much to look forward to, except P90X (told you i was crazy). For the longest time i had the hardest time physically getting up before 930, and felt like my entire day was wasted. i am definitely a morning person and very much enjoy the quiet moments with a cup of coffee and the Good Book. but it didn't work out that way at first. Now, however, with my knick knack jobs and the addition of training for a half marathon, i have mnore of a reason to wake up and get myself involved. i also occasionally have a lunch date with a friend in town or with someone passing through from greenville. hopefully, i will get into the classroom asap, even as just a substitute for now, but having had this time to adjust, my spirits are lifted and every other semi-productive day brings me closer to finding a career in education. soon and very soon.
living with the rents. i might only need one word: empty nesters. yeeeeaaahhh...you can only imagine what that's like. i have a little brother, but he knows better and has his place in columbia. with people his own age. while i can live with anybody, it has been very interesting living with parents again after having lived in another city for the past 5 years, including another country. while they are so gracious to have let me move in again without having to pay for any rent or utilities, i cannot wait until i can move out. don't get me wrong, i love my parents and we have a great relationship, but when the time comes to have my own place again, i'll be bolting out the door. have i mentioned they are "empty nesters?" yeah, that should say it all. wierd.
catching up. extended family and friends. this has been the most overwhelming part of returning. i have a very large group of friends, in all different groups as well, and it has been so sweet and fulfilling to be able to hold my sweet friends again and love on them. the first weekend back, i watched a collge buddy get married, went to a christmas party, went to church for the first time in almost a year, and saw my sweet babies from landrum. my heart almost burst and i honestly could not stop running my mouth for i had so much to say, let alone i could talk in english all i wanted and everyone understood me!! and they got my jokes!! it was amazing! i catch myself having moments where i cannot breathe from laughing so hard at the fact that i am so incredibly happy. i also feel like myself more than ever, minus the breakdowns. however it is very overwhelming, and at this stage in life, we are all moving all over the place, so it is hard to keep up with everyone, especially when my dearest friend lives in kentucky-oh kate, the day i see you back in the states again will be epic. slowly and happily though, i have been making my rounds and look forward to when i can be in the upstate again, for most of my sweetest friends are up there, and i've sort of built a life over the years. camden/lugoff in all its charms will do, plus, baseball season is almost here, and i can't to go to my hometown kids' baseball games. best time of the year. can.not.wait.
boys. haha...hahaha...now this has definitley been interesting. i cared about someone when i was in sweden (he lives here in the states), but we didn't work out, so i was very much looking forward to being with myself again, as a single 23 year old, taking a break from love and boys and figuring out what this next season will bring. SIKE! hasn't happened yet, because it seems like there have been a line of fella's waiting for me. either that, or i honestly think boys have some kind of sonar or rador that tells them "oooo fresh meat back from sweden.." because literally, the boys have also overwhelmed me. i want to just say "no" to them all, and be back in my little closet in sweden, hiding and watching life pass by on facebook. honestly that would be easier. but there are a few guys that happen to want to "get to know" me better. i ain't trying to brag, this is just for the readers that want to live in another country for over 6 months, and come back knowing another language. you will be bombarded with love interests, and then not know what to do about it. hide. run. do what you can to stay sane. i will be honest and say that it's nice to go on a date here and there, but homegirl ain't lookin for anything serious and exclusive. homegirl wants to be home and enjoy life. so that's what i'm doing.
now that i have found my way back to normalcy, i can't think of any other way to end this than to say, i am still uncharted, still on an adventure, and will write as much as i can this time around.
it is never a good situation when watching a loved one have to endure pain or fight at the end of their life, but as a christian and a believer in jesus christ, joy and peace always remain thereafter. though a grave sadness exists for the people left behind, the joy comes from knowing how great [our] nanny's heavenly home will be, and the remembrance of her life fully lived on her earthly home. the disciple john writes in revelation 21 about this new home, and there's usually a good song to back up truth:
3 And I heard a loud voice from heaven saying, “Behold, the tabernacle of God is with men, and He will dwell with them, and they shall be His people. God Himself will be with them and be their God. 4 And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away.”
and here is one of my favorite hillsong united songs ever, this particular video below also containing the magnificent power of god's word in scriptures concluding the video...
i wonder what nanny's reaction will be when she sees our lord for the very first time, knowing that she gets to be with him in heaven forever! these words breathed by god, "there shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away" gives me an overwhelming sense of comfort as she no longer has to suffer from all that has caused her pain. she will be greatly missed by all of her family and friends, but we know we will see her again, for an infinity of non-stop rejoicing.
for papa, the family, and friends of rosemary bartholemew, there is no better comfort in losing her, but to look at the beautiful soul she left with us in memory. with creative wit and the perfect little hands with which to make the most amazing cinamon rolls, nanny was truly a treasure. i loved every visit we had with her, as her subtle humor could have us laughing for days, for most of the time we were laughing anyways. i remember her most in the kitchen, for she had an act for making everything she touched absolutely delicious, and i loved learning from her and taking recipes home with me. her pizza and pasta is untouchable, and everything came from her head. a natural. her voice was so sweet and her petite stature just made you want to put her in your pocket and take her with you everywhere. every visit with papa and nanny was an adventure and we've seen so much, including mt. rushmore and the rodeo, my favorite. she handled everything with so much care and tenderness, and her spirit was always so lovely, joyful, and patient. i loved seeing her sitting in her favorite chair watching and taking in everything going on in a room, and wondering what she was thinking. sometimes you could sit in a room with her, and love would just be radiating from her with just a smile, she never really had to say much. we didn't get to see them as much, for they live in nebraska and we are in south carolina, but we've had so many moments to cherish with them.
i'm deeply saddened that i can't be there with papa and my family as they are grieving right now, but all my love is with them in spirit. because i have always been emotionally and spiritually attached to music, i can't think of a better way to help with the comfort, than with a song, an old hymn
his eye is on the sparrow
love you papa and nanny! you will be missed, nan, until we see you again
Why should I feel discouraged,
Why should the shadows come,
Why should my heart feel lonely
And long for Heav'n and home,
When Jesus is my portion?
A constant Friend is He:
His eye is on the sparrow,
And I know He watches over me;
His eye is on the sparrow,
And I know He watches me.
I sing because I'm happy,
I sing because I'm free,
His eye is on the sparrow,
And I know He watches me
"Let not your heart be troubled,"
His tender word I hear,
And resting on His goodness,
I lose my doubts and fears;
Though by the path He leadeth
But one step I may see:
His eye is on the sparrow,
And I know He watches me;
Whenever I am tempted,
Whenever clouds arise,
When songs give place to sighing,
When hope within me dies,
I draw the closer to Him,
From care He sets me free:
His eye is on the sparrow,
And I know He cares for me;
His eye is on the sparrow,
And I know He cares for me.
I sing because I'm happy,
I sing because I'm free,
His eye is on the sparrow,
And I know He watches me
this past thursday there was no celebration of thanksgiving whatsoever, no turkey, no sweet potato casserole, no classrooms dressing up like pilgrims and indians, no long weekend, no black friday shopping lunatics, for this is strictly an american holiday. i'm not even sure you can buy a whole turkey in sweden. it's just not as common as buying riendeer and moose, ya know? however, that does not mean i didn't live vicariously through my friend's facebook status' about going home for the break and decorating for christmas. i have to be honest i was little sad about missing it and that special time with my family, because i look forward to this part of our holiday season every year. november might possibly be my favorite month of the year, besisdes july and august. i did, however, have a splendid skype date with my entire family (all 5 of us, lol) who are currently living in 3 different countries. like always, we spent most of the time laughing and sharing stories. praise jesus for technology! although i was caught up in the busy-ness of my life as an au pair while all of my fellow americans were stuffing the faces with leftovers, i couldn't help but be reminded of all that i am thankful for here and there. so i've made a list, just i've done since the first grade:
what i am thankful for:
my personal relationship with jesus christ: amen and glory to him forever and ever because i would be nowhere without his love, his word, and grace. i have learned so much about our relationship and he has been my strength when i could not stand. he has also blessed me immensely with the following people in my life and i owe him all the thanksgiving in my heart. i could go on and on and on about how thankful i am, but what better way that to quote his word:
psalm 100 Make a joyful shout to the LORD, all you lands!
Serve the LORD with gladness;
Come before His presence with singing.
Know that the LORD, He is God;It is He who has made us, and not we ourselves;We are His people and the sheep of His pasture.
Enter into His gates with thanksgiving,And into His courts with praise.
Be thankful to Him, and bless His name.
For the LORD is good;
His mercy is everlasting,
And His truth endures to all generations.
amen.
my amazing family: there are five of us and i am stuck in the middle of two of the best brothers a girl could ask for. my dad is one of the most honorable and admirable men i know, and i have loved every single second of being the "daddy's girl" and seeing the way he loves me like jesus loves his children. he is a great example of leader in our family and has always pointed us to truth when he didn't know the answers himself. also, he's a beast runner and athlete and taught me how to play volleyball and love baseball. thanks daddy! my mom is the most free spirited and adventurous person i know. she can do pretty much everything and is never afraid to try anything new. she's taught me so many little life lessons along the way, and i am so thankful that she is always available to listen, even when i'm not interested in saying anything at all. she has been a great encouragement to me pursuing my dreams and i know she will always support the tough decisions. she's also an amazing cook and i can't wait to make christmas dinner with her! samuel/sammy is my older brother who i look up to more than he will ever know. he is a genius and wise beyond his 24 years. his patience with me as a younger sister is admiring, because i know how annoying and naive i can be, yet he would totally be there for me if i was ever in trouble. he's always looked out for me, even when he's been in other countries traveleing the whole world. he's inspired me to do things without thinking too much about it, especially when it comes to exploring what else the world has to offer. he's also full of great advice when i need it, just like a big brother should be like. luke/lukas-quite the goober, but my life would not be complete without him. he's just so cool, and i'm so thankful i have the role as his big sister, even though he's a lot bigger than me in hieght. we used to fight all the time when we were younger, but i thank him especially, because i'm pretty tough having grown up with those two boys. he is the best at making anyone laugh and has a personality that makes all the ladies fall in love. i adore him for his talent in art and in making drinks. i always know who to call for a laugh or a good story. precious.
friendships:there are almost way too many close friendships to even begin how grateful and blessed i am. honestly, my heart is so full by just knowing these amazing men and women (there are too many to be named and i don't want to leave anyone out). i don't know if i'll ever meet anyone greater and love anyone more than i love the people in my life right now, including my sweet friends in sweden. every single one of these treasures mean the world to me and i can't thank god enough for how they've ended up in my life. i have been away from my friends in the states for about 10 months, but i still have the encouragement and love from them when i see them on skype or when just recieving an "i miss you." knowing that i have these strong frienships to return to keeps me going. whether they have helped me or i them, whether it's been 10 months or years without having seen them, or whether i see them everyday and need a break from them, i can not be more filled with joy with the friendhsips i know and hope i will have for life. ecclesiastes says "Two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their labour. For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow: but woe to him that is alone when he falleth; for he hath not another to help him up." i can't count how many times i have experienced this verse in so many different ways, for every single one of my close friendships are so unique but lovely all the same. it is amazing the community we were created for as believers, and the ability to form different kinds of friendships, even with those who do not choose to believe in christ. for me personally, i have a lot of love to give, and will give it all away to let my sweet friends know how much they mean to me and how grateful i am for them!
my kids: i can't actually call myself a mom yet, but i sure do have a lot of kids that i consider my own. from camden: will & matthew, and mary-caston, from greenville: caleb, phoebe, & webb, and sarah & amelia, and now in sweden: erik, emma, & elias. i have spent so much time with each and every one of these little joys, and it is never enough. i have always loved kids, but these ones are going to have a special role in my life forever. they are so close to my heart and i miss them so much when i am away and can't go to guitar recitals, baseball and soccer games, and dance recitals...oh and don't forget the CHRISTMAS plays!! it's so exciting to be a role model to these youngin's no matter how far away i am from them. if you just spend one day with a kid in general, you find you can enjoy the smallest things in life and become a kid again yourself. talking to them just to see what they will say can also have you laughing until you cry. my best dates have been with my kids (including holding hands and skipping stones...dead serious) and i have so many great stories. it seems my life is constantly surrounded by these little ones i love so much, and you wonder why i want to be a teacher. they are honestly the greatest gifts in the world, and i mean that. i am thankful for them always.
opportunities: i can not be more grateful for the opportunities that have been placed in my life thus far. i have had the greatest encouragers and supporters to push me to do all that i love and take on life at warp speed. there are many things i have accomplished that i would not be able to do without the right timing and opportunities. one for sure is being able to come to sweden as an au pair, something i never thought would happen to me. but it did, with a couple of contacts i made at the cliffs communities... ba-da-bing ba-da-boom and here i am. there has not been a time in my life where i have been stopped from doing something that gives me joy or has stretched and challenged me to make me a stronger person than i thought i'd be. some of the opportunities are just for fun, like being able to road trip through europe, meeting someone with connections to a great job, or a chance to babysit in panama city beach and meet new lifetime friends. other opportunities, i may not be as grateful for them until i realize that jesus was trying to teach me something, or use me to reach someone else. whatever the case, i am eternally grateful and blessed.
i am finding it hard to conclude this post on a solid note, for it to have been so sweet and sappy above. so i suppose i'll end it with what i started with: "ain't even need a turkey for it to be thanksgiving..."and i surely didn't even think about the fact that we came over on the mayflower. woops. maybe next year i'll include the history part.
this is me. i am a dreamer. and i will forever love coldplay. the end.
paradise-coldplay
When she was just a girl
She expected the world
But it flew away from her reach so
She ran away in her sleep
and dreamed of
Para-para-paradise, Para-para-paradise, Para-para-paradise
Every time she closed her eyes
When she was just a girl
She expected the world
But it flew away from her reach
and the bullets catch in her teeth
Life goes on, it gets so heavy
The wheel breaks the butterfly
Every tear a waterfall
In the night the stormy night she'll close her eyes
In the night the stormy night away she'd fly
and dreams of
Para-para-paradise
Para-para-paradise
Para-para-paradise
And so lying underneath those stormy skies
She'd say, "oh, ohohohoh I know the sun must set to rise"
This could be
Para-para-paradise
Para-para-paradise
Para-para-paradise
