anywho, this is going to be about grace, and the underserving yet incredible relationship i have with my heavenly father, Jesus Christ. if i could show you a picture of what my relationship with jesus looks like, it would be a long dirt road, and on that dirt road would be a man and a little girl walking, holding hands and talking. you'd see the little girl looking up mesmerized at this man, feeling the safest she'll ever feel and that nothing can touch her and take her from that place. the man in return, is mesmerized by this little girl and looks down at her like she is the most precious sight to behold, a beautiful creation, and covers her with compassion and love.
every so often, the man stoops down to show her something along the path that is lovely, a flower, horses running free, the ocean, or a sunset, for a sunset is what this little girl loves almost more than anything in the world. they continue walking hand in hand until the little girl sees something that makes her want to go off on her own. she looks up at the man in search for permission, but the man tells her she won't like it there, that she will be happier with him, because he loves her. but the little girl lets go of the man's hand, and seeks out what it is that has her so entranced. the man doesn't keep going without her though. he waits for her to come back and reach for his hand, right where she left it. and she does, bruised and embarrassed that she didn't listen, but he never moved and loved her just as much when she returned, desiring to hold her the rest of the way, until she can be planted on her feet again.
this is how my jesus loves me, even when i run off the path. you'd think after i've run off the path the few times i'd get it (ha me too), but i don't, and something else entrances me to run towards what i think will make me happy. recently having been on a "high" from being back, i did it again. i messed up. i was going to church, doing the bible study thing, surrounding myself with godly people, and praying, when at the slightest moment of vulnerability, satan grasped my attention with what he knows will get me when i get ahead of myself, and let my pride reign. gah that stinkin pride that makes me want to make decisions and plan my life on my own without asking jesus for help. so dumb, sara, so dumb.
i think i explained how hard it has been for me to focus on the decisions i need to make to move forward in my career, but i'm not focused, and it sucks. these are huge decisions to make and it would be awesome if they could be made for me, but they can't (yes, i knew this the whole time). so in the meantime, me being scared to actually make one solid decision, i've made lots of bad decisions (a.k.a. mistakes) that have put me farther than where i started. one thing was all i needed: distractions. satan knew this too so he provided me with many, and i fell for it. i'm not going to go in to detail about the heart of my mistakes, because we are all filthy sinners, and the result of our sin is the same: destruction and despair. goodness i felt it, and satan was laughing histericaly as he moved on to his next plan to try and destroy my faith. this went on pretty fiercely for a couple of weeks, the guilt just building up, until, of course, i couldn't handle it anymore and finally asked god in faith, pure faith, to take these distractions away...and he did. like the very next day. jesus' half brother james writes in james 1: 5-6 "...let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for he who doubts is like a wave of the sea driven and tossed by the wind." my sweet jesus knew i would come back, and knew i would come back broken, but to further our relationship, he wanted me to ask him. he always wants me to ask him, to humble myself just ask. do you know how many times a verse along the lines of "ask and you shall recieve" is in the bible? at least 25 (according to my hazy search in google) where these verses state that if you ask in god's name, he will give to you! john 16: 24 says it in my favorite way: "Until now you have not asked for anything in my name. Ask and you will receive, and your joy will be complete." if there is anyone who wants their joy to be complete, i'm your girl! that is my favorite fruit to exuberate and jesus tells me over and over that the only way that my joy will be complete is if i ask him in faith to show me which way i should go. to trust him with the plans he has for me (jeremiah 29:11), instead of trying to plan everything meself. this never works, and i am proven wrong every time.
was this my goal upon returning to the states? yes. did it last? well, no, but that is why GRACE is so good. in all of the mistakes i've made over the past couple of months and the sins i commit daily, i am never out of god's reach, for his grace covers me wherever i am. a shout out to a new friend of mine, mrs. ruth, says it best and creates such a good motto for living: "let me tell you how good the lord is..." and he IS! and his grace is that much sweeter. his grace is the open hand that waits for me on the path, his grace is what allows me to pour out love on others, what brings tears to my eyes when someone gets baptized, what ends the day in the warm colors that i crave so much, what lifts me out of the pit, what redeems me, what reaches for my heart, what was brutally forsaken on the cross for my sin. grace. i'm going to quote beth moore from her james study, for i just read this one last week and it has resonated with me, along with the scripture reference which is found in james 4:6:
"he gives greater grace. therefore he says: God resists the proud, but gives grace to the humble."
b.m. goes on to write:
"think of all that weighs on you: yesterday's regrets, today's demands, tomorrow's plans...sink yourself in those five words until all your fears of failure, inadequacy, unforgiveness, and insufficiency drown. Don't come up for air until those fears lay lifeless and cold on the bottom of the sea. let jesus lighten your burden until you float up to the top, youth renewed, heart restored. He is enough. Let me say that again: HE IS ENOUGH. When you need more, you will have more. when your woes are great, His GRACE is GREATER. when our sins are vast, His mercy is deep. We cannot exceed him. We cannot outrun him."
~from James: Mercy Triumphs
is grace not something you want to just fall into? i could go on and on and on about how grace alone has affected my life, but it will all sum up to the fact that i am restored. i am so underserving of any of the love jesus continuously pours over me, but his grace makes it so that i am redeemed, restored, and renewed over and over again. i am so grateful that i serve an amazing God that will always be enough.
2 Corinthians 12:9
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