to whom it may concern-the civil wars

Why are you so far from me?

In my arms is where you ought to be

How long will you make me wait?

I don't know how much more I can take

I missed you

But I haven't met you

Oh but I want to 

How I do

Slowly counting down the days

Till I finally know your name

Ooo the way your hand feels round my waist
The way you laugh
The way your kisses taste

I missed you
But I haven't met you
Oh but I want to
How I do, How I do

...

Dear whoever you might be

I'm still waiting patiently.

some mornings

some mornings...i like to go and get a bagel and coffee at panera with a good book.  but i never read my book.  what i'm actually doing is making up stories for all the characters and people that are sitting in the place with me.  (i may or may not have too much time on my hands).
today, it's a man's world at panera. i am the only female in the particular area i'm sitting in.  very strange...oh, here comes a lady (cute jacket!), whew.
anywho, with the awesome playlist i have going, there is much to sit at watch:

a group of younger looking men, maybe 40's range.  they are around a table, but they are standing with their large coffees, like they are all germaphobes and think there are pestacides or something on the chairs.  they must all have 1 or 2 kids and know the wives would disapprove if they touch the chairs, knowing that guys typically forget to wash their hands (is that a stereotype? oops).  they are runners, and are meeting for the first time after their marathon last weekend.  a couple of them are awkwardly waiting for a good conversation to spark, because for the past 4 months, all they have discussed is running, for that was the only thing they had in common, besides kids.  will they leave best buds? or will they only be friends on the road?

young family with two young kids trying to have a quiet friday moring bagel outing...SIKE.  the little one does not want tha pacifier and keeps spitting it out.  mom is so frustrated and thinking she is not trying this again for at least a couple weeks (time to get that pacifier under control, sheesh!) dad is just a little clueless and can only pay attention to the pacifier falling on the floor before the older brother (3 maybe?) gets up to throw a napkin away, facinated by the trash can...dad turns around to him touching the trash can!!! horrified, the mom and dad quickly get up to go. this is my favorite part of this 10 minute scenario: the older of the boys is walking out with the rest of his bagel hanging out of his mouth!! hahaha i'm dyin ova here! poor kid, i hope his bagel doesn't fall out of is mouth while he's just a swingin his arms to get to the car because it looked like blueberry, and he's gonna want to finish that! oh kids, you gotta love em'!

they are so in love.  it's only the 3rd date, but it happened on the first night they met a week ago at the state museum.  he is unemployed but just took over his father's estate.  she is a museum curator and has the day off.  she is trying to help him find a job, though with his father's estate he thinks there is no need.  she thinks he's an idiot and because he's so in love, she convinces him.  he's a business major at USC and graduates this may.  he doens't seem too worried about graduation and she doesn't know why she loves him so much, or how it even happened, but she will do anything to support him. they are already whispering sweet nothings in each others ears and giggling. aw, sweet puppy love. whoah...i mean at first glance they were a sweet couple, but the PDA hasn't ceased since i walked in here...it's 9:15 in the morning!!! ew, ok, that's gross. well, whatever floats your boat...that's enough of that story for me.

this was only 3 out of many stories i could write here, but i try not to get carried away.  it's nice to have the occasional morning to pretend you're just a fly on the wall, watching life pass by in a cafe.  i'd probably be amazed at what the real stories would be like if i actually went over and started a conversation with these fellow lovers of the morning (i don't actually know if they love the morning like i do either, or this was just their extra time they have on fridays).  maybe next time, i'll make a friend instead of a blog...and then i'll blog about it. 

happy friday!

the morning playlist:
freedom-tyrone wells
pda-john legend
i've got this friend-the civil wars
litszomania-phoenix
the wanderer-marc broussard
clarity-john mayer
new york, new york-ryan adams
greyhound-dave barnes
lost in my mind-the head and the heart
brown eyes-andy davis
big green tractor-jason aldean
feelin good-michael buble
a kiss to build a dream on-louis armstrong

motivation

i have found that motivation can go a long way, if the proper motivation has been set in the mind.  don't believe me? well let's take running for example.  who is really ever motivated to get up in the early waking hours of the morning to go pound their feet on the road, get chased by neighborhood dogs, sweat, argue with your body about the cramps, and sometimes feel like you shouldn't have had that 2nd glas of wine last night?  well, i will say that as much as i love running and strive to have my "me" time on the road, i never look forward to mile 1, no matter the distance.  i always feel amazing after i do a run of any kind (runner's high), but getting to that first mile is a..."female dog."  that is until i went and got fitted for my new kicks...

*side note-my goal in 2012 is to run my first full marathon (holy my goodness)

knowing that i want to prevent any type of injury for the intense training one endures to accomplish this goal, i decided that i should go and get a proper fitting.  went to fleet feet and got hooked up with this old guy named Ed.  Ed and i bantered and talked "running" for a bit, and then he had to go through the process of finding my perfect fit for my very imperfect and beach bum flat feet.  first of all, my feet are two different sizes: the right foot is almost a 10 and the left foot is almost 9 1/2.  weird. so that means i might have to run in a shoe a lot bigger than what i had been running in.  he brings me a size 11!!! goodness to me i thought i was going to have a heart attack! it's not that embarrassing, it's just that if i would have bought the shoes on my own i would have run in a size 10, and would have lost toenails like i have for every other half i've done.  who knew? (all i'm sayin is my kids better make up for it and be super tall athletes) so long story short, i did the treadmill video thing, they checked my pronation and my gait, took the shoes for a spin outside, and then took them home with me.  i slept in my shoes last night i love them so much. 

this morning, i didn't hate mile 1. here's why:

saucony omni. oh yes. you have no idea how this motivates me to embrace the fact that i am, indeed, a runner, and can now fiercely pursue the marathon.

#restored, part 3

Love Song

Third Day

I've heard it said that a man would climb a mountain
Just to be with the one he loves.
How many times has he broken that promise
It has never been done.
I've never climbed the highest mountain,
But I walked the hill of Calvary.

[Chorus]
Just to be with you, I will do anything
There's no price I would not pay no
Just to be with you, I would give everything
I would give my life away.

I've heard it said that a man would swim the ocean
Just to be with the one he loves
All of those dreams are an empty motion.
It can never be done.
I've never swam the deepest ocean,
But I walked upon the raging sea.

[Chorus]

I know that you don't understand
the fullness of My love.
How I died upon the cross for your sins.
And I know that you don't realize
how much that I give you
But I promise, I would do it all again.

Just to be with you, I've done everything
There's no price I did not pay no
Just to be with you, I gave everything
Yes, I gave my life away.
Just to be with you.

#restored, part 2

Psalm 103:1-5

Bless the Lord, O my soul;
And all that is within me, bless His holy name!
² Bless the Lord, O my soul,
And forget not all His benefits:
³ Who forgives all your iniquities,
Who heals all your diseases,
⁴ Who redeems your life from destruction,
Who crowns you with lovingkindness and tender mercies,
⁵ Who satisfies your mouth with good things,
So that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.

⁶ The Lord executes righteousness
And justice for all who are oppressed.
⁷ He made known His ways to Moses,
His acts to the children of Israel.
⁸ The Lord is merciful and gracious,
Slow to anger, and abounding in mercy.
⁹ He will not always strive with us,
Nor will He keep His anger forever.
¹⁰ He has not dealt with us according to our sins,
Nor punished us according to our iniquities.

¹¹ For as the heavens are high above the earth,
So great is His mercy toward those who fear Him;
¹² As far as the east is from the west,
So far has He removed our transgressions from us.
¹³ As a father pities his children,
So the Lord pities those who fear Him.
¹⁴ For He knows our frame;
He remembers that we are dust.

¹⁵ As for man, his days are like grass;
As a flower of the field, so he flourishes.
¹⁶ For the wind passes over it, and it is gone,
And its place remembers it no more.^[a]
17 But the mercy of the Lord is from everlasting to everlasting
On those who fear Him,
And His righteousness to children’s children,
¹⁸ To such as keep His covenant,
And to those who remember His commandments to do them.

¹⁹ The Lord has established His throne in heaven,
And His kingdom rules over all.

²⁰ Bless the Lord, you His angels,
Who excel in strength, who do His word,
Heeding the voice of His word.
²¹ Bless the Lord, all you His hosts,
You ministers of His, who do His pleasure.
²² Bless the Lord, all His works,
In all places of His dominion.

Bless the Lord, O my soul!

i make mistakes, but grace is SO good; #restored part 1

to forewarn you, this is going to be long. it may even take a couple days to say all that has been on my mind and on my heart since my last post, which was a week ago.  you see what i should do is write more often, that way i don't have to remember all my profound thoughts at once.  oh well, maybe i'll learn one day.

anywho, this is going to be about grace, and the underserving yet incredible relationship i have with my heavenly father, Jesus Christ.  if i could show you a picture of what my relationship with jesus looks like, it would be a long dirt road, and on that dirt road would be a man and a little girl walking, holding hands and talking.  you'd see the little girl looking up mesmerized at this man, feeling the safest she'll ever feel and that nothing can touch her and take her from that place.  the man in return, is mesmerized by this little girl and looks down at her like she is the most precious sight to behold, a beautiful creation, and covers her with compassion and love. 

every so often, the man stoops down to show her something along the path that is lovely, a flower, horses running free, the ocean, or a sunset, for a sunset is what this little girl loves almost more than anything in the world.  they continue walking hand in hand until the little girl sees something that makes her want to go off on her own.  she looks up at the man in search for permission, but the man tells her she won't like it there, that she will be happier with him, because he loves her. but the little girl lets go of the man's hand, and seeks out what it is that has her so entranced.  the man doesn't keep going without her though.  he waits for her to come back and reach for his hand, right where she left it. and she does, bruised and embarrassed that she didn't listen, but he never moved and loved her just as much when she returned, desiring to hold her the rest of the way, until she can be planted on her feet again.

this is how my jesus loves me, even when i run off the path. you'd think after i've run off the path the few times i'd get it (ha me too), but i don't, and something else entrances me to run towards what i think will make me happy.  recently having been on a "high" from being back, i did it again.  i messed up. i was going to church, doing the bible study thing, surrounding myself with godly people, and praying, when at the slightest moment of vulnerability, satan grasped my attention with what he knows will get me when i get ahead of myself, and let my pride reign. gah that stinkin pride that makes me want to make decisions and plan my life on my own without asking jesus for help. so dumb, sara, so dumb.

i think i explained how hard it has been for me to focus on the decisions i need to make to move forward in my career, but i'm not focused, and it sucks. these are huge decisions to make and it would be awesome if they could be made for me, but they can't (yes, i knew this the whole time).  so in the meantime, me being scared to actually make one solid decision, i've made lots of bad decisions (a.k.a. mistakes) that have put me farther than where i started.  one thing was all i needed: distractions.  satan knew this too so he provided me with many, and i fell for it.  i'm not going to go in to detail about the heart of my mistakes, because we are all filthy sinners, and the result of our sin is the same: destruction and despair.  goodness i felt it, and satan was laughing histericaly as he moved on to his next plan to try and destroy my faith. this went on pretty fiercely for a couple of weeks, the guilt just building up, until, of course, i couldn't handle it anymore and finally asked god in faith, pure faith, to take these distractions away...and he did.  like the very next day.  jesus' half brother james writes in james 1: 5-6 "...let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for he who doubts is like a wave of the sea driven and tossed by the wind."  my sweet jesus knew i would come back, and knew i would come back broken, but to further our relationship, he wanted me to ask him.  he always wants me to ask him, to humble myself just ask.  do you know how many times a verse along the lines of "ask and you shall recieve" is in the bible? at least 25 (according to my hazy search in google) where these verses state that if you ask in god's name, he will give to you!  john 16: 24 says it in my favorite way: "Until now you have not asked for anything in my name. Ask and you will receive, and your joy will be complete."  if there is anyone who wants their joy to be complete, i'm your girl!  that is my favorite fruit to exuberate and jesus tells me over and over that the only way that my joy will be complete is if i ask him in faith to show me which way i should go.  to trust him with the plans he has for me (jeremiah 29:11), instead of trying to plan everything meself.  this never works, and i am proven wrong every time.

was this my goal upon returning to the states? yes. did it last? well, no, but that is why GRACE is so good.  in all of the mistakes i've made over the past couple of months and the sins i commit daily, i am never out of god's reach, for his grace covers me wherever i am. a shout out to a new friend of mine, mrs. ruth, says it best and creates such a good motto for living: "let me tell you how good the lord is..." and he IS! and his grace is that much sweeter.  his grace is the open hand that waits for me on the path, his grace is what allows me to pour out love on others, what brings tears to my eyes when someone gets baptized, what ends the day in the warm colors that i crave so much, what lifts me out of the pit, what redeems me, what reaches for my heart, what was brutally forsaken on the cross for my sin.  grace.  i'm going to quote beth moore from her james study, for i just read this one last week and it has resonated with me, along with the scripture reference which is found in james 4:6:

"he gives greater grace. therefore he says: God resists the proud, but gives grace to the humble."

b.m. goes on to write: 

"think of all that weighs on you: yesterday's regrets, today's demands, tomorrow's plans...sink yourself in those five words until all your fears of failure, inadequacy, unforgiveness, and insufficiency drown.  Don't come up for air until those fears lay lifeless and cold on the bottom of the sea. let jesus lighten your burden until you float up to the top, youth renewed, heart restored. He is enough.  Let me say that again: HE IS ENOUGH.  When you need more, you will have more.  when your woes are great, His GRACE is GREATER.  when our sins are vast, His mercy is deep.  We cannot exceed him.  We cannot outrun him."

~from James: Mercy Triumphs

is grace not something you want to just fall into?  i could go on and on and on about how grace alone has affected my life, but it will all sum up to the fact that i am restored.  i am so underserving of any of the love jesus continuously pours over me, but his grace makes it so that i am redeemed, restored, and renewed over and over again.  i am so grateful that i serve an amazing God that will always be enough. 

"And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me."

2 Corinthians 12:9 

reverse culture shock is no joke

hey, remember that time i went to sweden for 10 and a 1/2 months? well tomorrow will mark exactly 2 months of having been home in lugoff, south carolina, and it really has taken me this long to get adjusted.  i was warned that i would experience a bit of reverse culture shock when i came home, and buddy they didn't lie.  i think i am finally at the point where i can focus on one thing for about 2 hours before having a mental breakdown.  this could also result from adult onset ADD, which i've never been tested for, and probably never will, but i'd rather blame it on the reverse culture shock, for that seems a more legitimate excuse. 

let me fill you in on what has gone on in the past couple months:

unemployment.  i think i honestly thought i would magically have a job as soon as i got back, and i also had these plans of having at least 3 of them to start saving up for my next adventure (i have an english wedding to attend in june...in a castle #nobigdeal).  haha nope. my plans haven't worked out...YET.  i am blessed beyond measure to find the little knick knacks here and there though, like babysitting, working for my mom on job sites, box paper scissors, and funeral housesitting.  it helps that i grew up in this small town and no one has left, so thankfully once the word got around i was home for a while, i've had many phone calls.  still my profession is in education, so if i could focus for an entire day at a time, i might actually be able to fill out an entire application instead of going crazy.  and literally, because i have no routine (and no car because my dad drives mine for his job...that he goes to every day...it's his routine), i don't wake up with much to look forward to, except P90X (told you i was crazy).  For the longest time i had the hardest time physically getting up before 930, and felt like my entire day was wasted.  i am definitely a morning person and very much enjoy the quiet moments with a cup of coffee and the Good Book.  but it didn't work out that way at first.  Now, however, with my knick knack jobs and the addition of training for a half marathon, i have mnore of a reason to wake up and get myself involved.  i also occasionally have a lunch date with a friend in town or with someone passing through from greenville.  hopefully, i will get into the classroom asap, even as just a substitute for now, but having had this time to adjust, my spirits are lifted and every other semi-productive day brings me closer to finding a career in education.  soon and very soon.

living with the rents. i might only need one word: empty nesters.  yeeeeaaahhh...you can only imagine what that's like.  i have a little brother, but he knows better and has his place in columbia.  with people his own age.  while i can live with anybody, it has been very interesting living with parents again after having lived in another city for the past 5 years, including another country.  while they are so gracious to have let me move in again without having to pay for any rent or utilities, i cannot wait until i can move out.  don't get me wrong, i love my parents and we have a great relationship, but when the time comes to have my own place again, i'll be bolting out the door.  have i mentioned they are "empty nesters?" yeah, that should say it all. wierd.

catching up.  extended family and friends.  this has been the most overwhelming part of returning.  i have a very large group of friends, in all different groups as well, and it has been so sweet and fulfilling to be able to hold my sweet friends again and love on them.  the first weekend back, i watched a collge buddy get married, went to a christmas party, went to church for the first time in almost a year, and saw my sweet babies from landrum.  my heart almost burst and i honestly could not stop running my mouth for i had so much to say, let alone i could talk in english all i wanted and everyone understood me!! and they got my jokes!! it was amazing! i catch myself having moments where i cannot breathe from laughing so hard at the fact that i am so incredibly happy.  i also feel like myself more than ever, minus the breakdowns.  however it is very overwhelming, and at this stage in life, we are all moving all over the place, so it is hard to keep up with everyone, especially when my dearest friend lives in kentucky-oh kate, the day i see you back in the states again will be epic.  slowly and happily though, i have been making my rounds and look forward to when i can be in the upstate again, for most of my sweetest friends are up there, and i've sort of built a life over the years.  camden/lugoff in all its charms will do, plus, baseball season is almost here, and i can't to go to my hometown kids' baseball games.  best time of the year. can.not.wait.

boys. haha...hahaha...now this has definitley been interesting.  i cared about someone when i was in sweden (he lives here in the states), but we didn't work out, so i was very much looking forward to being with myself again, as a single 23 year old, taking a break from love and boys and figuring out what this next season will bring.  SIKE! hasn't happened yet, because it seems like there have been a line of fella's waiting for me.  either that, or i honestly think boys have some kind of sonar or rador that tells them "oooo fresh meat back from sweden.." because literally, the boys have also overwhelmed me.  i want to just say "no" to them all, and be back in my little closet in sweden, hiding and watching life pass by on facebook.  honestly that would be easier.  but there are a few guys that happen to want to "get to know" me better.  i ain't trying to brag, this is just for the readers that want to live in another country for over 6 months, and come back knowing another language.  you will be bombarded with love interests, and then not know what to do about it. hide. run. do what you can to stay sane. i will be honest and say that it's nice to go on a date here and there, but homegirl ain't lookin for anything serious and exclusive.  homegirl wants to be home and enjoy life.  so that's what i'm doing.

now that i have found my way back to normalcy, i can't think of any other way to end this than to say, i am still uncharted, still on an adventure, and will write as much as i can this time around.

and scene.