"because what i'm interested in is right here"

it's Good Friday, in case you haven't noticed, and if you haven't noticed that Jesus died this day many years ago, well, take time to notice (i'm sorry i don't know the exact date, i'm horrible at remembering them).  This weekend is one of my favorites in celebrating the true meaning and remembrance of the greatest life and story of Jesus Christ, His Passion, His redeeming love, and the reason we are here on this earth.  good friday. 


i have been studying through the gospels, isaiah, and a charles swindoll commentary the story of this passion, but i must say, i was first reminded of this upcoming event while having a normal night, watching a movie with my dad.  the last of the mohicans, one of my top 7 favorites, including that of the soundtrack, rocked my mind during the part cora is standing up for hawkeye/nathanial (daniel day lewis) after he was accused for treason for helping militia escape the british fort to save their families from potential raides by the indians (please, please, please, if you haven't seen this movie, it is not a waste of your time and you should go rent it immediately...because i'm not explaining any further).  anyways, the following is the conversation cora has with her dad:


Cora Munro: He saved us. We're alive only because of him. Colonel Munro: The man encouraged the colonials to desert in this very room and in my presence! Sir! He is guilty of sedition. He must be tried and hanged like any other criminal, regardless of what he did for my children. Cora Munro: But he knew the consequences, and he stayed. Are those the actions of a criminal?


later on in the scene, cora goes to see hawkeye/nathanial in the fort prison:


Cora Munro: They're going to hang you. Why didn't you leave when you had the chance?
Hawkeye: Because what I'm interested in is right here.


*sidenote: the element of love in war remains to be my all time favorite element a movie can bring.*


anyways, after watching this scene for what was probably the 26th time, it was the first time i was actually moved, almost to tears, because all i could think about was the cross in that moment.  Isaiah 53:7 says, "he was treated harshly and afflicted, but he did not even open his mouth.  like a lamb led to the slaughtering block, like a sheep before her shearers, he did not even open his mouth."  see the comparison?  why on earth would anyone take the beating, scoffing, torture that Jesus took, knowing he was innocent, and not say anything, or do anything to defend his position?  did you know that Jesus went through SIX trials, and they could not prove anything that actually made him a criminal, or in any way deserving of crucifiction? SIX!! and through each trial, Jesus said not one word, except "i am as you say i am" (john 18, matthew 26, luke 22, mark 15).  why again, did th result end in a cross, when, since He's God's son, he could probably have just walked away? "because what i am interested in is right here" a.k.a. because what he loves most is to please his Father, and He loves the people of this world so much that he would forsake and let his only son, be horrifically crucified for the likes of us, filthy, rotten, murderous, greedy, prideful beings that walk the earth.  who would die for sinners? oh yeah, "the way, the truth, and the life..."


through reading in charles swindoll's book Behold...The Man, i have loved reading chuck's opinions or interpretations from scripture.  he discusses that in mark 14, Jesus goes to pray in the garden of gethsemane, knowing what his ultimate fate will be in the following days to come, and he prays, weeps, and sweats drops of blood...he is terrorized just like any other human would be.  chuck states,


"some wonder how Jesus could be fully human and, at the same time, fully divine as God's Son.  Simply look and linger at this scene in Gesthemane, where the oil of His anguish was pressed out like crushed olives.  Here, in the darkness of the garden, His humanity gushes out...He was, in every way, true humanity, subject to the identical feelings we have, whether it be joy or sorrow, fear or confidence, exhilerating ecstasy or crushing agony."


if you know the story from the gospels, Jesus prays for "this cup to pass" (mark 14: 33-36).  i love how well chuck relates to the scriptures here as well:


"at this moment, the totally innocent, sinless Son of God faces and accepts the torture and death that shortly awaits Him.  And so He addresses His Father in familiar terms: 'If there is any other way to accomplish Your plan, may that come to pass.' And then He prays the words that have become the most familiar words in many prayers: 'But do what You want, not what I want.'"


his humanity may have "gushed out" but He asked what only Jesus Christ could ask, that it not be His decision, but the Lord's.  "is that the actions of a criminal?" this picture of love will forever go way beyond my understanding of why, but i will forever be grateful for this redeeming love.  i will not go into detail of the rest of the journey to the cross because i cannot handle it and will hear it sunday, but it is found in all four gospels, matthew, mark, luke, and john, and the new testament is a battle cry for love, and we can continuously be reminded of that love that saved us all.  this is it.  this is what we are all about, what God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit are all about!  This GOOD, but treacherous Friday...an innocent man led to carry all the burdens and sins of this world...none other than Jesus Christ.  just take a moment to notice and remember the sacrifice of love. amazing.    


i can only conclude with a hymn...happy good friday!  


How deep the Father's love for us,
How vast beyond all measure
That He should give His only Son
To make a wretch His treasure
How great the pain of searing loss,
The Father turns His face away
As wounds which mar the chosen One,
Bring many sons to glory


Behold the Man upon a cross,
My sin upon His shoulders
Ashamed I hear my mocking voice,
Call out among the scoffers


It was my sin that left Him there
Until it was accomplished
His dying breath has brought me life
I know that it is finished


I will not boast in anything
No gifts, no power, no wisdom
But I will boast in Jesus Christ
His death and resurrection


Why should I gain from His reward?
I cannot give an answer
But this I know with all my heart
His wounds have paid my ransom

a beautiful mess

you know how every group of friends there is that one friend that "mothers" the rest? the one that loves the thrill but also doesn't want to see anyone get hurt?  the one that will almost nurture you to death? yep. that's me. i get accused and am found guilty more times than i can count, and i never even realize i'm doing it, it just comes out of nowhere.  well, i just watched the movie "i don't know how she does it" and i am in tears with the dreams of being a mom.  i want to be one. right now. i want to hold my first child in my arms and weep and laugh from the overwhelming agony and joy all at the same time (not literally, when the reality check kicks in, i realize it takes two to tango, and i have to have a man first, a wedding, a house, and you know, all that other stuff, like a dog for child rearing practice *wink*).  anyways, if you've ever had a conversation with me, about 75% of it will be about kids, and you can count on a story involving one of my kids to popping out of nowhere mid-conversation.  i have never bore a child myself, but i have kids. lots of them. ya following me here?  i have been babysitting since i was 13, and i have been hooked ever since.  i LOVE my kids!!

it wasn't until sweden, though, that i really got a taste of what motherhood is really like.  as just a babysitter, i get to be the kids' bff, partner in crime, 7 years old trapped in a 20-something's body, and the most adored creature of their young life.  it kills me everytime i see them after a long time and they tell me everything that has happened to them in the past 2 weeks of their life in one breath...and the hugs...OH those sweet hugs and kisses i can never get enough of.  sweden however was a tad bit different: i was to be a second mom, basically, and it was a lot harder than i thought.  of course i tried to be the bff at first, even without knowing the language they were speaking, and it was so much fun getting to know them, playing, taking them to school, and listening to their sweet voices.  then time came to have more responsibility, and the chaos of being a 2nd mother of 3 started.  breaking up fights, having to take a fight, fixing broken toys, wiping tears, brushing out tangles, watching the meal you just cooked go uneaten, remembering the diaper bag, taking away swedish goodies, homework, regulating tv time, sticking a finger down a child's throat, upping the coffee dosage, lying out clothes the night before, bath time, baking for parent conferences, blowing on "boo-boo's"...and that doesn't even cover half of it.  if you are a mom, then you will understand my next comment.  it is all worth it.  you think you could never be more in love with your kids one day, and the during the tomorrows, you'll change your mind and think, nope, i definitely love them more today...and the love never stops growing.  even when you want 5 minutes to yourself so you lock yourself in the bathroom, but the 5 minutes is interuppted by your child screaming bloody murder, or glass shattering to the floor.  (however, sometimes you do get lucky and get the whole 5 minutes.)  all for love.  even when you scream "NO" to them to prevent something from hurting them, and they just come crying to you because they got scared of the way you screamed "NO" and spend an hour trying to tell them that "shhh it's ok, i just didn't want you to get hurt, shh."  all for love. 

there were so many sweet moments like that in sweden, that even on my hardest days, the split second of a giggle relaxed my whole entire being, or i would start tearing up at how cute they were.  for example: elias was my two-year-old and really was my bff when the older two were with the neighbors all day.  i would be exhausted, of course, after a long morning (up at 8 on sat morning) of cartoons, coloring, tractor, books, and swedish pancakes, that i just wanted to read one chapter of my book.  i thought i had a chance one morning to do that while elias was playing with cars on the table.  i go and sit in the reading corner and open up my book until....i see that elias is eyeing me while taking a swig of milk.  i pretend not to notice and try and hide my face in my book (thinking that if i can't see him, he can't see me hahaha SIKE).  all of a sudden, i swear the jaws theme song was going off in the room...buu DUM...bu DUM...bum bum bum bum bum BUM...AAAAHHHHnnnddd into my lap he lands, right on top of my book.  lost my place.  but all i could do was start cracking up!! i just hugged him and held him so tight in that little moment! (tears of joy) it didn't matter that i hadn't even gone to the bathroom yet that morning, he saw the open lap, and he took it.  i loved  every second of it, and wish i could hold on to moments like that forever!!

i miss it so much and have no idea what i am going to do with myself when i have my own children!! what in heaven's name am i going to do?!! i don't even know where to begin with how much i know i'm going to love my own flesh and blood!! and this doesn't even include all my sweet faces in camden and landrum!! i could literally go on for days and days about how much i love all my kids!! i was reminded by all of this after having watched that movie, and it was such a beautiful mess, but a beautiful mess that i hope to have in my own life one day.  chaos, love, tears, love, laughs, scars, love, fights, sleepless nights...more love.  i can wait, but i can't wait!!!

oh, i can't wait!! love you all to pieces my sweet darlings!!!

p.s. mommies, go and buy "i don't know how she does it"
just do it

xoxo

to whom it may concern-the civil wars

Why are you so far from me?

In my arms is where you ought to be

How long will you make me wait?

I don't know how much more I can take

I missed you

But I haven't met you

Oh but I want to 

How I do

Slowly counting down the days

Till I finally know your name

Ooo the way your hand feels round my waist
The way you laugh
The way your kisses taste

I missed you
But I haven't met you
Oh but I want to
How I do, How I do

...

Dear whoever you might be

I'm still waiting patiently.

some mornings

some mornings...i like to go and get a bagel and coffee at panera with a good book.  but i never read my book.  what i'm actually doing is making up stories for all the characters and people that are sitting in the place with me.  (i may or may not have too much time on my hands).
today, it's a man's world at panera. i am the only female in the particular area i'm sitting in.  very strange...oh, here comes a lady (cute jacket!), whew.
anywho, with the awesome playlist i have going, there is much to sit at watch:

a group of younger looking men, maybe 40's range.  they are around a table, but they are standing with their large coffees, like they are all germaphobes and think there are pestacides or something on the chairs.  they must all have 1 or 2 kids and know the wives would disapprove if they touch the chairs, knowing that guys typically forget to wash their hands (is that a stereotype? oops).  they are runners, and are meeting for the first time after their marathon last weekend.  a couple of them are awkwardly waiting for a good conversation to spark, because for the past 4 months, all they have discussed is running, for that was the only thing they had in common, besides kids.  will they leave best buds? or will they only be friends on the road?

young family with two young kids trying to have a quiet friday moring bagel outing...SIKE.  the little one does not want tha pacifier and keeps spitting it out.  mom is so frustrated and thinking she is not trying this again for at least a couple weeks (time to get that pacifier under control, sheesh!) dad is just a little clueless and can only pay attention to the pacifier falling on the floor before the older brother (3 maybe?) gets up to throw a napkin away, facinated by the trash can...dad turns around to him touching the trash can!!! horrified, the mom and dad quickly get up to go. this is my favorite part of this 10 minute scenario: the older of the boys is walking out with the rest of his bagel hanging out of his mouth!! hahaha i'm dyin ova here! poor kid, i hope his bagel doesn't fall out of is mouth while he's just a swingin his arms to get to the car because it looked like blueberry, and he's gonna want to finish that! oh kids, you gotta love em'!

they are so in love.  it's only the 3rd date, but it happened on the first night they met a week ago at the state museum.  he is unemployed but just took over his father's estate.  she is a museum curator and has the day off.  she is trying to help him find a job, though with his father's estate he thinks there is no need.  she thinks he's an idiot and because he's so in love, she convinces him.  he's a business major at USC and graduates this may.  he doens't seem too worried about graduation and she doesn't know why she loves him so much, or how it even happened, but she will do anything to support him. they are already whispering sweet nothings in each others ears and giggling. aw, sweet puppy love. whoah...i mean at first glance they were a sweet couple, but the PDA hasn't ceased since i walked in here...it's 9:15 in the morning!!! ew, ok, that's gross. well, whatever floats your boat...that's enough of that story for me.

this was only 3 out of many stories i could write here, but i try not to get carried away.  it's nice to have the occasional morning to pretend you're just a fly on the wall, watching life pass by in a cafe.  i'd probably be amazed at what the real stories would be like if i actually went over and started a conversation with these fellow lovers of the morning (i don't actually know if they love the morning like i do either, or this was just their extra time they have on fridays).  maybe next time, i'll make a friend instead of a blog...and then i'll blog about it. 

happy friday!

the morning playlist:
freedom-tyrone wells
pda-john legend
i've got this friend-the civil wars
litszomania-phoenix
the wanderer-marc broussard
clarity-john mayer
new york, new york-ryan adams
greyhound-dave barnes
lost in my mind-the head and the heart
brown eyes-andy davis
big green tractor-jason aldean
feelin good-michael buble
a kiss to build a dream on-louis armstrong

motivation

i have found that motivation can go a long way, if the proper motivation has been set in the mind.  don't believe me? well let's take running for example.  who is really ever motivated to get up in the early waking hours of the morning to go pound their feet on the road, get chased by neighborhood dogs, sweat, argue with your body about the cramps, and sometimes feel like you shouldn't have had that 2nd glas of wine last night?  well, i will say that as much as i love running and strive to have my "me" time on the road, i never look forward to mile 1, no matter the distance.  i always feel amazing after i do a run of any kind (runner's high), but getting to that first mile is a..."female dog."  that is until i went and got fitted for my new kicks...

*side note-my goal in 2012 is to run my first full marathon (holy my goodness)

knowing that i want to prevent any type of injury for the intense training one endures to accomplish this goal, i decided that i should go and get a proper fitting.  went to fleet feet and got hooked up with this old guy named Ed.  Ed and i bantered and talked "running" for a bit, and then he had to go through the process of finding my perfect fit for my very imperfect and beach bum flat feet.  first of all, my feet are two different sizes: the right foot is almost a 10 and the left foot is almost 9 1/2.  weird. so that means i might have to run in a shoe a lot bigger than what i had been running in.  he brings me a size 11!!! goodness to me i thought i was going to have a heart attack! it's not that embarrassing, it's just that if i would have bought the shoes on my own i would have run in a size 10, and would have lost toenails like i have for every other half i've done.  who knew? (all i'm sayin is my kids better make up for it and be super tall athletes) so long story short, i did the treadmill video thing, they checked my pronation and my gait, took the shoes for a spin outside, and then took them home with me.  i slept in my shoes last night i love them so much. 

this morning, i didn't hate mile 1. here's why:

saucony omni. oh yes. you have no idea how this motivates me to embrace the fact that i am, indeed, a runner, and can now fiercely pursue the marathon.

#restored, part 3

Love Song

Third Day

I've heard it said that a man would climb a mountain
Just to be with the one he loves.
How many times has he broken that promise
It has never been done.
I've never climbed the highest mountain,
But I walked the hill of Calvary.

[Chorus]
Just to be with you, I will do anything
There's no price I would not pay no
Just to be with you, I would give everything
I would give my life away.

I've heard it said that a man would swim the ocean
Just to be with the one he loves
All of those dreams are an empty motion.
It can never be done.
I've never swam the deepest ocean,
But I walked upon the raging sea.

[Chorus]

I know that you don't understand
the fullness of My love.
How I died upon the cross for your sins.
And I know that you don't realize
how much that I give you
But I promise, I would do it all again.

Just to be with you, I've done everything
There's no price I did not pay no
Just to be with you, I gave everything
Yes, I gave my life away.
Just to be with you.

#restored, part 2

Psalm 103:1-5

Bless the Lord, O my soul;
And all that is within me, bless His holy name!
² Bless the Lord, O my soul,
And forget not all His benefits:
³ Who forgives all your iniquities,
Who heals all your diseases,
⁴ Who redeems your life from destruction,
Who crowns you with lovingkindness and tender mercies,
⁵ Who satisfies your mouth with good things,
So that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.

⁶ The Lord executes righteousness
And justice for all who are oppressed.
⁷ He made known His ways to Moses,
His acts to the children of Israel.
⁸ The Lord is merciful and gracious,
Slow to anger, and abounding in mercy.
⁹ He will not always strive with us,
Nor will He keep His anger forever.
¹⁰ He has not dealt with us according to our sins,
Nor punished us according to our iniquities.

¹¹ For as the heavens are high above the earth,
So great is His mercy toward those who fear Him;
¹² As far as the east is from the west,
So far has He removed our transgressions from us.
¹³ As a father pities his children,
So the Lord pities those who fear Him.
¹⁴ For He knows our frame;
He remembers that we are dust.

¹⁵ As for man, his days are like grass;
As a flower of the field, so he flourishes.
¹⁶ For the wind passes over it, and it is gone,
And its place remembers it no more.^[a]
17 But the mercy of the Lord is from everlasting to everlasting
On those who fear Him,
And His righteousness to children’s children,
¹⁸ To such as keep His covenant,
And to those who remember His commandments to do them.

¹⁹ The Lord has established His throne in heaven,
And His kingdom rules over all.

²⁰ Bless the Lord, you His angels,
Who excel in strength, who do His word,
Heeding the voice of His word.
²¹ Bless the Lord, all you His hosts,
You ministers of His, who do His pleasure.
²² Bless the Lord, all His works,
In all places of His dominion.

Bless the Lord, O my soul!