my constant

i am a runner, as stated on my blog profile, yet i have kept from writing about this joy the entire time i've been in sweden. i thought this subject would be the one thing i wrote about most, but as it turns out, there have been zero posts about how this physical activity has the closest relationship with my heart, second to jesus.

close to the beginning of my time here, my dear friend kate, who is also a runner, and i were talking about the changes you face when moving to another country.  she stated that with a move that changes everything you know in your life, the best way to keep from going insane is to have a "constant" or something you loved doing that you can do anywhere.  of all the things that i love to do, which is a LOT, running is the one that has helped keep me sane.  seriously.  i remember how lonely and scared i felt when i first got here, thinking "i am not gonna be able to do this...ten months...i'm in trouble"  then i remember how i felt the first time i laced up and hit the trails. oh, what a heavy sigh of relief.  i was finally able to be with myself and feel like myself, and i knew that i would be okay.  it's what brings me back to life.

i only started running maybe 2 years ago, and my inspiration was my dad, and watching him run the finish of his very first marathon.  it might have been my first marathon experience, besides seeing all of my older brother's cross country and track competitions.  seeing how free and strong all these runners looked gave me this idea.  i wanted to look as free and strong as they did, so i started training for my first 5k.  with the help of my older brother and my dad encouraging me, i became completely obssessed, and knew i had found something that was worth the struggle. it was a hard transition from always loving sprints and volleyball training to loving long distance running.  i'm not going to lie, my first few times i hated the way i felt after and wanted to puke my life up every time.  but i kept going, knowing that stage only lasts for a short time.  then as soon as i met the runner's high, i realized that i might never go back to a life without running.  since my beginning, i have run about seven 5ks, two 10ks, and five half marathons, which i can say 13.1 miles is my favorite distance.  my goal already for 2012 is to run my first full marathon, but everytime i've run a half, i think, "how in the world would i ever be able to run this twice?"  haha well, with this obsession, looks like i will never be satisfied until i find out.

my relationship with the sport is not just physical, but also just as much as spiritual and emotional. i can't explain to anyone what a relief it is to let my thoughts wander and be free while running.  it's just me and the road, no judgements, no insecurities, no outside world, and nothing to get in the way of my thoughts and prayers.  i feel strong, brave, tired, empowered, and fierce, all at the same time.  i usually run with music to steady my pace, stimulate thoughts, create moments in my head of where these songs would play-a movie or a novel. then there are days where the run couldn't be more in tune with the sounds of the environment around me, and where i just need the silence to pray specifically for something i am struggling with, or something i am so incredibly thankful for.  often times i find this is where some of my more intimate conversations with god take place.  there are even some day where i feel as if jesus in on the run with me.

however, not every run is an empowering and freeing state of mind.  depending on my training during the week, whether it has been consistent or not, i could have a crappy run, and have on many occasions.  it never stops me though. i have to keep going, because i know it is worth it in the end, especially when you recieve your finisher medal.  it takes perseverance, endurance, and some good glides to make it to the end.  i mentioned before that my running relationship is just as spiritual as it is physical. well, that is because training for a race and running in general, is just like, i believe, the walk of a christian in this age. it starts with fundamentals, then gets harder and longer.  the more you stick with the training the better the results and recieving the medal at the end are.  when i trained for my first half, i was very strickt with my training when i first started out, really focusing on my pace and my long runs.  however, there were a couple weeks where i became lazy and allowed other influences to talk me out of doing my long run, or maybe a couple runs in a row.  bad move.  the next week was like starting over.  if you are not consistent, you are only creating a battle with yourself.  this has proved to be true in my christian walk as well.  sunday school and youth group was easy, especially when memorizing scripture and bible studies were...not forced...but highly encouraged by house rules.  i loved it, i was always on a high, and i learned so much.  however, when you start making decisions on your own, you take all the "training" you did for granted; the training being praying, going to church, studying the bible, and having close relationships with your brothers and sisters in christ.  it's not hard to get into a funk when you've put down your bible for weeks or months.  exactly like training for a race, you have to be consistent.  it is impossible to have an intimate relationship with christ if you are not eagerly seeking him out.  it is impossible to complete a marathon and recieve that medal with out training.  your body can't handle "wingin" a marathon. just like our hearts, as christians, we can't handle the christian walk alone without proper training.  this just makes sense to me.

one of my favorite passages in scripture actually mentions racing, and i love the way "the message" puts it:

"You've all been to the stadium and seen the athletes race. Everyone runs; one wins. Run to win. All good athletes train hard. They do it for a gold medal that tarnishes and fades. You're after one that's gold eternally. I don't know about you, but I'm running hard for the finish line. I'm giving it everything I've got. No sloppy living for me! I'm staying alert and in top condition. I'm not going to get caught napping, telling everyone else all about it and then missing out myself"
 1 Corinthians 9:24-27


in the new king james:
"Do you not know that those who run in a race all run, but one receives the prize? Run in such a way that you may obtain it. And everyone who competes for the prize is temperate in all things. Now they do it to obtain a perishable crown, but we for an imperishable crown.  Therefore I run thus: not with uncertainty. Thus I fight: not as one who beats the air.  But I discipline my body and bring it into subjection, lest, when I have preached to others, I myself should become disqualified.

i believe with my whole entire heart and from experience that giving jesus everything i've got gives me the most inexplainable joy and love i've ever had in my life.  i am not saying that i haven't been on dark roads, or that i'm at that point right now, but even just a taste of what it's like to be at rest in the father's arms keeps me going.  for indeed, we are running for an "imprerishable crown" that we will recieve when we meet jesus face to face in his glorious kingdom.  just the thought brings tears to my eyes.  this is why i run, for the most part, and why it has become a love of mine that i hope to carry well into my 70's.  i want to recieve the medal at the end, literally and spiritually, and if that means training is going to be hard, that's ok.  i know it hurts, strains, challenges, and pushes you to the limit, but i will fight for that.  i'm not perfect, but i do have my jesus to help me, as my mom says, "finish strong!!" 

when things come to an end

i find it hard to believe that i will ever forget any of the memories i've made while living in sweden.  the end of my adventure draws near, and i can't help but think of all the things and people i will miss, but also what i have to look forward to.

my 3 best friends here, kate, madeleine, and mathilda, were over for a long overdue ladies night at my house...it was convenient how the kids were "borta" (gone for the night).  the mom, jenny, also had to go to  seminar so it was just the 4 of us, and we had plans to watch "breakfast at tiffany's."  it was while we were sitting at the dinner table sipping on wine that i felt as if i was in a movie, and how much i will miss these ladies nights. i can't wait to see all my girls from home, but these girls are so special, for they are most of the reason why i was able to survive a lot of the culture shock here.  just the conversation and jokes with 20-something ladies created such a bond between us.  it will be weird not getting to see them at least once a weekend, walk around town shopping, and finding all the cutest cafes around göteborg.  it is not the last time i will see them come december, but i will hate saying goodbye to them.

i can't even begin to think about all the things i will miss about the kids without crying.  kids, from my personal experience, are the most difficult to say goodbye to.  i had to do it before i came, and now i have to do all over again.  but instead of crying about it, i'm just going to list all the things i will miss and the images i will hold on to.

what i'll miss about living in sweden:
cheap travel
summer berries from the woods (cherries, razberries, blackberries, huckleberries, wils strawberries, red currant)
gorgeous old architecture
living on the water
the summer house
every single little adorable cafe
H&M on every corner
sunsets at 10pm in the summer
those sparkly blue eyes (i've never seen them like that before)
walking everywhere
public transportation (rare in small southern towns)
practicing my swedish

what i'll miss about my swedish family/kids:
having tea with jenny after the kids go to bed
twirling with emma to "princess" music (a.k.a. disney soundtracks)
elias little feet curled up on my lap
building legos with erik
making them american pancakes
going to the playground
butchering bedtime stories because of my swenglish
elias screaming "maaaaamaaaaaaa or NAAAANNYYYYY" first thing on a saturday morning
taking erik to swim school
coloring with emma
elias pouty face, giggles, and other hilarious expressions
erik's svengelska (equivalent to my swenglish, except the opposite, of course)
emma's girly-ness ALL the time, except when she whines
our own version of hide & seek (where i hide and then come up behind them and scare them!)
how excited the kids are every day when you pick them up from school
their little heads popping into my skype dates

there is so much to be kept in my heart that is not listed here, but more will be added as i think about them.  again i'll say that i am not looking forward to saying goodbye, but knowing that it is not a "forever" goodbye will keep from tearfully thinking about it until it comes.  plus, my family will be waiting for me in new york. "i'll be home for christmas..."

and scene

holiday favorites

54 days til CHRISTMAS!!! yesterday, the first of november, i started listening to christmas music, making my christmas shopping list, skipping around the house freaking everyone out with how ridiculously giddy i am, and dreaming of a winter wonderland.  it is one of my absolute favorite times of the year and i like to make it last as long as i can stand it. here's why:

cold weather
family
friends
kids going crazy (including me)
hoping for snow
sitting by the fire
hot chocolate
starbucks specials (gingerbread latte)
SNOW (if we're lucky in sc)
christmas LIGHTS everywhere (on houses, in the city, on the trees)
christmas trees
celebrating the birth of jesus
seeing happy faces
gift wrapping with extravagant bows
christmas MUSIC (might be my favorite)
mistletoe
eggs benedict on christmas morning
candlelight services
big red bows on the church doors
dave barnes christmas extravaganza
hallmark commercials
movies (the grinch, home alone, love actually, the holiday, it's a wonderful life, polar express...etc)
scarves and pea coats
reading the story of jesus birth in the gospels
annoying the heck out of my brothers
christmas parties
ornaments
red and gold
pointsettas
curling up with a good book
socks
christmas photo cards in the mail
the nutcracker
ice skating
caroling

i am convinced that every year the list of favorites gets bigger, but this year, there is so much more to be excited about because it will be the first time in 10 months that i have seen my family and friends (excluding the week of my best friend's wedding)!! i have loved almost every moment i have lived here in sweden, but it is time to come home to all the people i love the most! the best part is that my parents and brother will be waiting for me in new york, where we will get to spend 2 days catching up, laughing, and exploring the big apple!  i am SO so SO excited, for none of us have ever been to new york, especially at CHRISTMAS!!! it's going to be the best christmas ever, and i know i will be shedding some tears in front of that big and beautiful tree in rockefeller center!

not to be cheesy, but it is seriously "the most wonderful time of the year."
make it last, people. 

The No Name Book Club

a swede, a brit, an american, and a love for getting lost in a good book. 

a bittersweet ending is approaching fast for me and the lovely friends i have made in sweden.  as busy as life can get, we want to stay connected over the long distance, so we decided to start an international book club!  all three of us realized we've always wanted to do it, so why not?  our book for the month of october was "breakfast at tiffany's" because it is only 99 pages long and we started in the middle of october, giving us only a couple of weeks to fit a novel into our busy schedules (funny story: we all work with kids). thus, the start of our very own book club: the "no name" book club.

the "no name" given title of our book club was inspired by the beloved "cat" in the story.  holly golightly is an interesting character in the story that claims she doesn't feel right giving the "poor slob" a name because she feels they don't belong to each other. "belongingness" being one of the many themes in the novel allows the reader to be able to relate to the story in a personal way, especially us women, because we can struggle with figuring out what we belong to.  so it was at our first meeting in our favorite cafe that we decided we all at least belong to this new book club with "no name," where we will be able to stay connected and continue developing the existing friendship we share.  i am much looking forward to not only being able to stay in touch with new friends, but also deepening my already existing love and knowledge of literature.

"it takes about four seconds to walk from here to the door, i'll give you two."



 

coffee before lunch

there are many moments in life, where i feel as if i am either 1. in a movie, or 2. having a moment that will be included in my novel one day.  today happened to be novel worthy i suppose, for it had to do with a cup of coffee and a plumber.   

now i could keep a conversation going with just about anyone, and usually end up talking someone's ears off...in english.  the swedish language, though, brings "socially awkward" to entirely new level.  picture this: group of friends that bring a new girl around.  the new girl introduces herself and says where's she's from. adn then that's it, she just stands there the rest of the time staring at everyone.  if someone tries to ask a question, you only get a "yes" or a "no," and you go home thinking, "sheesh, that new girl was weird."  well, that's usually me in sweden when meeting new people, which i will say that after 9 months, the language is coming along.  when we need a plumber, though, i am a lost cause. those are words i do not recognize in my 4th grade level swedish.  thank goodness jenny was there the first day he came (bengt is his name, pronounced like "banked"), so she could give him the run down of what was going on with our sink and a leak in the garage. shortly after though, she had to go to work, so it was just me and bengt.  i pretty much just let him do his job, exchanging only a couple words....whew.  he wasn't able to finish in one day, though, so he would come back the next morning.  

next morning rolls around and it's just me in the house when bengt shows up.  i forgot to mention that he is the cutest grandpa looking swedish man i've ever seen, and he kept winking at me in a grandpa way, so naturally, i wanted to talk to him and find out his story.  i didn't want to keep him from work, so i only made small talk and told him if he needed anything to just let me know.  he was slaving away while i was doing house cleaning, and i thought it was time for a coffee break, so i asked if he'd like one too.  it was just what he needed so we sat at the table and enjoyed an endearing cup of coffee.  he drank his black, like a true swede, and so began my cute novel moment.  sweet bengt offered to speak in english, but i said no i need the practice, which turned to swenglish.  we talked about traveling, family, fun things to do in sweden, what it's like to be an au pair, and surprisingly advantages and disadvantages of both our governmental systems.  my swedish wasn't that bad either!  he said he could understand everything i said, so that was a relief. of course, he had to get back to work and i had to continue house work as well.  after he left for the day, we exchanged "so happy to have met you" handshakes and he gave me a grandpa hug.  it was the cutest thing!

i'm so thankful i was brave enough to talk to our plumber, knowing how bad my swedish can be, but he didn't seem to mind.  it is amazing the friendships you can make if you just say hello, or maybe offer someone a simple cup of coffee.  try it sometime.  even if it only lasts a day, it still brings a goofy smile to your face, and that is definitely one of my favorites.  goofy smiles and coffee.   

and scene.

thoughts provoked by a hobbit and a wizard

Frodo: "I wish the ring had never come to me. I wish none of this had happened."

Gandolf: "So do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us."

"The Fellowship of The Ring" was on tv last night, and everytime i watch these movies, something sticks out.  there are a lot of great lines in these films.  the quote above is the part right before the fellowship begins the journey with frodo to destroy the source of evil that is trying to overcome.  frodo is such hope of light for them all, as he is one small hobbit having to bear the burdens of the world.  with friends like gandolf, samwise, aragorn, merry and pippin, you think he would be able to carry on.  however, the weight of evil he carries with him, takes him on such an incredible journey of the heart and mind, where he is faced with the most difficult decisions of his life, ones he has to make on his own regardless of the faithful samwise.   

i'm sure you're wondering where i'm going with this...

i have a dear and sweet friend, a blessing really, that i was finally able to catch up with for maybe the 2nd time in 8 months.  it was long overdue, being that this friend is so dear to my heart.  it was so good to hear her voice, but i realized that not much has changed for her, except maybe everything.  what i mean is, there is always a LOT going on in her life and she is constantly faced with trial, after trial after trial; each trial, though, changing and shaping her heart.  have you ever met someone where (excuse me, but)  crap just happens to them, over and over and over again? to where it seems as if there is no room for light?  well, i have, and i don't know how she does it day after day.  i like to think that i'm strong enough to handle a lot on my plate at one time, but it's hard for me to picture myself in her position and being able to make it out alive.  though, with talking, or rather listening to her for an hour or so, i was so encouraged by her heart. the heart of a lion.  like frodo, i'm sure she wishes she could go through life without having to experience "such times," but she does anyways.  what inspires me the most, while wishing i could take all the pain from her, is that for all that she faces, she makes one powerful decision: to trust in the lord and continue to surrender it all in ceaseless prayer.  she's like a job: "the lord gave and the lord has taken away, blessed be the name of the lord!" (1:21).  this is what she lives by daily, and all the while she might be experiencing more joy than most people get to experience in a lifetime, all because her trust in the lord only brings her closer to him.  hallelujah!

i was reduced to tears watching the conversation between frodo and gandolf and thinking about my sweet friend.  it is extremely difficult in such an age as today's to wake every morning and praise the god of the heaven, rather than complain about how much life can suck.  i am definitely guilty of that one.  not all the time, but there are surely days that i have to consciously strip down my pride. james 1:2 says, "my brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience."  this is a given scripture reminder that we've all known since we were 13, but the word remains as strong today as it did when we were 13, and the day it was breathed by our holy god.  it's for us, god's children, when we just wish some things wouldn't happen, most of which are out of our control.  "so do all who live to see such times.  but that is not for them to decide.  all we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us." thank you to an amzing sister in christ, frodo, and gandolf, for a reminder to persevere on this journey...life as we know it. 

encouraged,
~uncharted

phone number worthy

"last friday night..." i didn't dance on any table tops or take too many shots, instead i went home at 1:00, which is pretty early for a single 23 year old in sweden. i did go home a little giddy, though.  it was the first time in a liong time that i had actually been out with the girls on a friday night.  i never really go to "single-mingle" because i am 100% positive that i am not gonna be bringing any swedish boys home.  the cultural differences of me growing up southern baptist are just to different from the swedish ways, and i really don't think they could handle how loud my personality is. truth. BUT, i spiced up my look a little bit anyways, just for kicks and giggles. i mean i even straightened my hair! crazy!
the evening went on as usual, we met at a classy bar for some wine and had a nice sit with great conversation, catching up on the week and aimless wanderings. nearing 10:30 we decided we were a bit tired and should probably head on home. 

*sidenote-this is not lame. we are all three working with kids all day and it may not be a marathon, but it's just as mentally exhausting. trust me. end sidenote*

there was something in the air though, and so one of the girls and i decided to stay out for one more drink and people watching.  we headed towards the block known for bars packed with a variety of different people.  after elbows, puffy jackets, and bouncers, (it's pretty cold at night nowadays...freezing i mean) we finally managed to get inside and snag a beer.  typically beer is NOT my thing, but it's alright after a couple glasses of "toscano rosso." 
as we were two single girls, we started checking out some of the cuties.  i was sad when i saw a group of super cute brits leave, thinking, "dangit, i should've made a move," but making the approach is still not my style. not a lot of effort come from the boys these days, and i honestly don't know what they are so scared of.  when a girl is staring at you and smiles, that's your invitation. don't just stand there looking awkward or stare back and not walk over to her. but anyways, we had a good time making up stories belonging to groups of people.  then came the yawns. ok, we're lame. let's ditch, but not before seeing the ladies room.
 
here is my moment: an old dude cuts in front of me and the guy behind him tells him off, and the guy behind me in fact is JOSH DUMAHL!
sike. that was last night's dream. but, the guy behind me did make the old creepy man leave.  i simply thanked him in swedish (tack!), and he started a conversation:
"are you from göteborg?"
me-"yeah, i live here, but i'm actually from the states"
(p.s. all of this is in swedish, my other personality i've just happened to pick up on...it's cool because i can be anyone i want!! HA)
"excuse me? you're american? how many years have you been here?"
me-"oh, actually, it's only been 8 months..."
"that's impossible! how can you speak such good swedish?!"
(HA it worked! he thought i was swedish!)
me-"eh, i'm just good like that..." and there was my escape into the bathroom, leaving him no room for a reply, typical hard-to-get move.

and that was the end of that. i talked to one boy. for about 45 seconds. and for the record, he didn't look anything like josh dumahl.  he's was blonde with light eyes, from what i could tell in the dim lights. swedes.

so the night was ending for the old gals, and we made our way out the door. a block later, i felt these hands on my shoulder and a "wait, wait, wait" ..........uummmmm...ok first of al..whoah where did you come from?! it was the dude from the bathroom queue!! and he was still in his t-shirt! did i mention it was freezing outside?!! all of a sudden this guy starts telling me that i can't leave, that i have to stay for one more drink so he could talk to me...i reply with: "actually, i can leave, and i have kids to go home to..." (oh, being an au pair, and all of this was still in swedish. impressed? lol).  he was so stinking cute about it though, especially when he said, with shivering, praying hands, "please, i'm a really nice guy."  i believed him, he seemed nice, but i was still going home, knowing that conversation would just be small talk (and the same story i've told everyone new i meet when i'm out). i really was tired, but he asked if i would be out next weekend and if he could have my number.  i mean, the dude chased me down, if he was josh dumahl, it would've been the most precious "meet-cute" ever! i gave him my number, knowing that my phone was broken, and that i would never see him again, but in the moment, it was totally phone number worthy! AND a cute story!

what a great way to end a night! guess i don't have to be disappointed in you boys, after all.